WRITERS BLOCK

SO, MY BRAIN HURTS TODAY, I’m Heartbroken, Spirit shook, and downright downtrodden, MEHHHH!!! So I have writer’s block big ass time, this is all that is coming out I apologise sincerely with love and adoration for anyone who reads this and can sympathise with a girl, who literally, is exhausted with life today, and yesterday and last night and just in general!

I have a Job interview tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up somewhat, but until then all you get is my Brain Farts, apologies my loyal friends! xxx

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“I Will Kill You and Everyone You’ve ever Met…”

Maybe I should have stated earlier, I don’t ACTUALLY want to kill anyone…
It’s a quote from the NEW series of Vampire Diaries coming to ITV…oops!

Haha, Soooo now that awkward situation is over, you know the one where you started to read this thinking I was a Serial Killer, kind of hoping you had stumbled across something insane when actually I was just cleverly diverting your beautiful attention to my blog post about what I’ve been watching recently, call it a mega-review if you will, sit down make your self comfy, get a cuppa if you’re feeling cheeky and settle down for my TOP 5 [5*s*t*a*r*] programmes to watch this year.

Some may already be on TV and some may give you a bit of a wait, but hopefully you’ll enjoy my rundown…

-: UK vs. US :-

BEING HUMAN
UK ORIGINAL OR US REMAKE?

Now it’s not often that I watch a TV series, on  TV, at a time which it is technically specifically supposed to be viewed.    Being Human caught my intrigue when I was doing one of my late night WordPress Benders, and the advert for season 4 popped onto the telly.  Not since Buffy the Vampire Slayer, have I felt such excitement over a BBC channel at 9pm.  So before it came on I got myself seasons 1-3 and had a marathon weekend [needless to say YES I’M SINGLE! AND UNEMPLOYED! that’s where I get the time]
Being Human (UK) is one of those shows that truly captures that part of you that still believes in Halloween and Ghost stories, that part of you that loves to cry Bloody Mary into the mirror when your pissed and Watches slayer movies on Valentines, but it’s the quintessentially BRITISH comedy that turns that into pure genius!
In the inbetween between my marathon slog and the new season I caught a few episodes of the US version.  Now although I personally prefer American Series’ I found that again although amazing in it’s own right (I LOVE THE VAMPIRE MOTHER!!) I feel that its the good’ole Brit Sarcasm and Wit that just takes ours to another level!

UK ALL THE WAY [BBC3 9pm Sundays]
* * * * * – One To Watch

Proper Sunday Afternoon Action...

WAREHOUSE 13
DOCTOR WHO MEETS CRIMINAL MINDS MEETS JACKPOT FOR SYFY!

Ok, Ok, I know not everyone has SKY or VIRGIN or one of those better than average boxes that lets you watch this…that’s why I’m not going to tell you to search WatchSeries into that search engine called Google because I am NOT recommending you should watch them online EVER! because that is breaking the law!

On the other hand, if you have already seen Warehouse 13 or not, it offers to its viewers face paced, exciting, action packed and historically  intrigueing episodes that journey you through history searching for ‘artifacts’  Warehouse 13 already has numerous seasons but it’s return in I think March of this year (don’t quote me on that) is being highly anticipated in The Common Tarte household!

[SYFY Channel]
* * * * * – One To Look Out For!

Alphas Review

What Heroes Missed Out!

ALPHAS
WHERE HEROES WENT WRONG, ALPHAS IS GOING RIGHT…

Alphas is one of those programmes, it harks back to the age old Superhero vs. the Government debate, and initially can seem very old hat.  “OH NO they can’t be ‘contained'” “The government are evil and want to experiment ahh!!” But, alphas provides it viewers with hard action.  There is simply no other way to put it, the powers are believeable, and highly creative, putting new spins on the average super-human powers showcased in show after show.  Alphas manages to do what Heroes couldn’t.  It lends itself to a character focused script instead of plot focused, which means its not hard to follow, its riveting to watch and it captures your attention every second.  My favourite character is Gary, actor Ryan Cartwright is PHENOMENOL!!! and Gary is one of those characters I could laugh and cry and fear for all in one episode! Top marks Alphas, catch up online with the first series and get ready for the Second coming later this year!

[SYFY Channel]
* * * * * – One To Keep In Mind

Misfits ReviewBest British SciFi/Comedy For Years!

MISFITS

THERE IS HOPE FOR SEASON 4

Yes, I admit, I am a Misfits slut! I love nothing more than settling down, turning out the lights, having a cuppa and a smoke and AVIDLY watching the next installment of misfits.  So before the haters seep out of the ground, SEASON 3 rocked!  Maybe you had to get some polyfiller for the Robert Sheehan sized gap in the show, Joseph Gilgun came on and made his own massively awesome hole himself.  I did find that we didnt learn ENOUGH about his power, and I was left at times with a sense of confusion, but overall I think the team did an Amazing job of making up for the vacuum that was going to be Sheehan’s Departure, Here’s to season 4 this year, may it live long a prosper and keep us on the cusp of all that is politically not-so-correct!

[E4/Channel4]
* * * * * – One To Always Watch.

Homeland Review

Don't Judge This Book By It's Cover

HOMELAND
YES YOUR RIGHT THAT IS THAT ANNOYING BIRD WHO PLAYED JULIET!

Homeland, Homeland, Homeland, Award winning, All Star Cast, Impeccable writers and 5* All American Hollywood Production, can you tell that I loved this series yet?

Okay, Homeland starts on Channel4 this week, but I have been lucky enough to already have seen the first season.  I will try VERY hard not to add any spoilers!
Homeland is truly a show to be reckoned with.  CIA, Terrorism, Marines, Suicide Bombers, Infidelity, Mental Health and good old American Spirit.  Homeland brings a whole knew perspective to the Terrorism subject.  The premise is an American Marine POW has been turned and is working for Al Qaeda, then what happens? They find an American Marine POW!  The writing is insanely clever, and the cast are AMAZING there are faces from across the world of film and television including actors from Criminal Minds, V [2009] and even her dainty self Miss Claire Danes.  Now I have a pet peeve, and that is Miss Dane’s bottom lip,  I hated it in Romeo and Juliet when she wakes up but doesnt save Romeo!! anddddd I hate it in this when she cries [can’t tell you why, SPOILERS]  Apart from Miss Dane’s lower lip I loved homeland, it’s ability to keep you guessing til the very last second is truly GENIUS and I’d recommend to anyone that they tune in this week!

[Starts: Feb 19th, 9.30pm, Channel4]
* * * * * – ONE NOT TO MISS!

Well, that’s it for today kids! I hope you enjoy
any of the programmes I have listed today
and if you want to pose a counter review
I’d be happy to hear your thoughts 🙂

Cheers For Reading,

L.J x

How to Cope with Being Unemployed

So, currently I’m unemployed.  It’s a crap life but somebody’s
got to do it.I’ve been unemployed for 3 months, I’ve worked
since I was 15 and I spent 3 years doing a degree.  You’d think I’m
suitable for something, anything,I would clean toilets if it
meant that I was earning some decent cash that I honestly feel I
worked hard to deserve to earn.  When you go to University
everyone tells you it’s the right thing to do, you HAVE
to do it if you want to make your life better than the
average bear’s!  What a mistake it was to listen
to that advice!  Honestly, in my humble opinion, I think unless
your going to TRAIN for a profession, don’t bother, it’s not
worth your time or debt! Since losing my job, I’ve tried
every which way possible to get a Job.  I’ve tried recruitment
agencies, Online jobsites, unemployment agencies.  I’ve even
tried to get funding to start my own studio for my artwork but
no joy anywhere! I recently had to apply for JobSeeker’s
Allowance and to tell you all the truth…
It’s killing me, I hate it, I hate having to accept money that I
haven’t earnt plus along with the overwhelming feeling of
un-accomplishment I have to have the telephone meetings with
the Job Seeker Lady, the woman who bless her
heart find the most inane jobs available and tries to palm them off on me…

That’s right! ME! The woman who got a flaming DEGREE!
I’ve got 4 Alevels! I’ve got 12 GCSEs!!!
THEY ALL TOLD ME I’D GET A JOB INSTANTLY!!!!!!!

See what I mean kids? My advice? don’t stick in school,
get out as soon as is legal, get your backsides down to an
apprenticeship, or work to learn scheme this further education
stuff is boll***s if you ask me!! £12,000 and I’m still no
closer to a well paid salary job than the homeless
guy who lives by tescos!

So after I speak with Job Seeker Sue, I get a call from the
Recruitment Man Sam, his smarmy voice, and sales talk makes
me cringe, I’ve worked in sales related jobs all my life, these
people think I can’t recognise the sales banter?? REALLY?
Then comes the prep for the interview. what to say,
what NOT to say…and OH WAIT

“Definitely don’t mention that you worked in childcare…”

“Hi there, hello, yes, hi can you hear me, oh great,
*smarmy sales voice*
hiiiiiiiiiii
yes great to talk to youuuuuu,
yesssss I meann I’ve…

*here comes the sales banter crap
Recruitment Man Sam tells me to say*

yes.I.mean.I’ve.worked.in.sales.for.many.years.and.I’ve.
managed.a.team.of.up.to.6.working.on.the.analytical.
basis.that.I.prepare.all.their.time.managment.graphs.and.
yes.I.work.towards.target.based.memorandums.and.of.
course.I.can.work.microsoft.office.to.grade.A.standard.yesssss.
I’ve pioneered.flights.to.Gambia.and.yes.of.course.I’m.
fully.trained.in.zombie.attack.protocol.and.yes.I.have.the.statuatory.
2,000,000.years.worth.of.experience.that.is.vital.to.
know.how.to.sell.someone.paper.waste.management.and.
I.always.carry.my.iPhone.because.of.course.I.would.never.own
a.blackberry.and.I.would.love.to.discuss.this.role.further.
with.you.your.highness.who.I.need.to.give.me.a.job.because.I’m…

!DESPERATE!

Day 86 of unemployment, and I’m tired.

Yes I said it, I’m freaking tired, I do nothing all day,
but drink coffee, eat toast, watch Jeremy Kyle and imagine
up blog posts.  I make dozens of Paper Cranes all day not
only to stop me going insane from not smoking (because I
can’t afford it) but also because I’m bored! I sit and read
cookery books that I can’t cook from because I have no money
I watch QVC, and dream of owning the quick fire
chopper upper thingy because I have no life
I constantly chew my nails and stare at my BBm,
Whatsapp, Facebook AND Twitter because my friends
are all at work and I get excited over my afternoon milky coffee
because I pretend its a caramel latte from costa, minus the caramel!

I’m writing a novel…
Yeah I can do that, I’m creating an art installation too, and I’m
trying internet dating I’m desperately trying to keep the
creative creature inside me amused, so I don’t lose hope
that one day, someone will think I’m not half bad, and
trust that my CV isn’t the end of all things, and
SOMETIMES, you have to TRUST someone,
not just check theirfacebook to see what a mess
they were at the last festival they attended.

(I was a state!)

I FOUND A JOB

OH MY SHIT I FOUND A JOB

It’s perfect, it’s £26,000 A YEAR!!!!!
*slight orgasm sorry everyone*

I could do this job, I could ACE this job, I’m perfect for it,
give me the job, yess, yess, ahhhhhh, omg, omg, omg, omg
JOB ADVERTISMENT MEGA ORGASM…..

dammit, I need a qualification…

but I could do it……and I could do it really well.

[This is the part where I broke down, crying, snot,
it wasn’t pretty heaving with sorrow into my pillow,
with the inevitable *woe is me* speech, then getting the
angry face, you know that agression that creeps in,
the *f!ck no I’m better than this* agression, that insists
that you fight the system, stick it to the man,
bring down the house and generally sound like an epic fool…]

This is the genuine Cover Letter that I sent.
I omitted my real information in editing.
I sent this alongside my CV, to the dream job.

ScreenShot from the application form.

So please, anyone who reads my blog, anyone who likes it,
or follows me because of it take your hands and cross
those fingers for me, If your religious, pray for me,
If your a jedi, do some funky mind tricks..and if you
just so happen to be someone from RED GATE
please give me the job, I would work like a slave for you…

You’ve just got to give me a chance…

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

103 WAYS TO GIVE UP SMOKING

A Thousand
Paper Cranes…

[BARE WITH THIS POST, I HAVE ADDED THIS POST-POSTING TO THIS POST…HAHA SORRY, ERMM YES, I BEGAN WRITING THIS 2 WEEKS AGO, SINCE WRITING THIS I HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE CIGARETTE, AND SINCE STARTING THE PAPER CRANES JUST OVER A WEEK AGO I HAVE FOLDED 103 CRANES, JUST THINKING I WOULD HAVE SMOKED THAT MANY CIGARETTES IF NOT MORE, IN 7.5 DAYS, SCARY STUFF…GOOD LUCK TO ALL THOSE QUITTING SMOKING THIS YEAR, I’M REALLY GOING TO STICK TO IT THIS TIME]

1,000 Paper Cranes  (千羽鶴 Senbazuru?)
“Thousand Origami Cranes is a group of one thousand origami paper cranes held together by strings. An ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane, such as long life or recovery from illness or injury.”

[http://tinyurl.com/7tjdxxo]

The idea intrigues me, it made me almost cry when I watched it on Heroes, noteably one of my favourite series’ of the past few years.

 Watching Charlie’s expression, when the camera zoomed out and revealed the epic amount of cranes delicately hanging by clear threads around their heads was in my opinion, utterly beautiful and actually quite stylish! Ha Ha…

Now, today has frankly been an awful day, I woke up in that highly irritating situation where your neck has been sleeping comfortably all evening, and then, suddenly, the second you wake up…AH%&$$! F*&£”~#!! …your neck trips into spasm and you can’t move for the rest of the day! anddddd I decided to start item number 20 on my Bucket List, I figured that although I have ticked a few things off the list, I’m still no closer to actually COMPLETING the list.

Item Number 20. ATTEMPT TO GIVE UP SMOKING…

Now your all probably wondering what the hell item 20 and paper cranes have in common, well it all started like this…..

So being unemployed, with no car, no money, not alot of people around during the day and a family who all smoke! (that’s right kids, Batman, The Incredibles, Poison Ivy, Misty Knight, Iron Man, WONDER WOMAN!! allllllllll of them SMOKE!)  Now obviously Poison Ivy is up lá duff so has stopped smoking, but for me it was so easy to just light up a fag, puff puff puffy away all day, I would say I had a steady 20 a day deal going on, menthol rollies were to me like a warm glass of red wine of an evening, just something i enjoyed!  and then the fateful day arrived….

Poison Ivy had warned me something like this may happen, and when Wonder Woman tried to give up last month, she said the same thing, there comes a point where something just snaps in your mind, and smoking just isn’t nice anymore!
Now for all those people out there screaming,’SMOKING’S DISGUSTING’ ‘IT’S GOING TO KILL YOU’ ‘YOU SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY’ I really don’t care, unless you’re a smoker you have no concept of how good it feels to have a fresh cup of coffee and a sneaky ciggie, or rolling a menthol and relaxing just puffing away.  IF YOU ARE NOT A SMOKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THAT FEELS!!! and after sex……. WOWWWWWW better than the sex before it haha.

But anyway I digress, so I was sat in the study with my tobacco rolling a cig, and it happened, something choked a little in my throat, i licked the rizla and the smell of the dry tobacco made me feel a bit icky, and as I sparked the cigarette, I was convincing myself that I wanted to become a non-smoker! (I think it helped that my pouch was now empty and I had no way of getting anymore haha!!)

Day one – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day two – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day three – Ok, 0 Cigarettes
Day four – Average, 0 cigarettes, stood behind woman at cashpoint inhaling her scarf it smelt so good
Day five – SH*T, SH*TE, CR*P, AWFUL, SHODDY, EURGH, CRAPOLAAA! 0 cigarettes…grrrr
Day six – Pissed off, angry, want to murder someone for £3.50 to get tobacco… 0 cigarettes
Day seven – Today…woke up, feeling refreshed, breathing (asthma) noticeably clearer, cravings minimum, 0 cigarettes…

Now….how did I do it?

PAPER CRANES!!!

Honestly, for the past week I have ranged through every emotion possible, this first week of not smoking has almost killed me, and I think its mainly due to the fact that I have nothing to cure the boredom, smoking became a habit because I was bored.  It gave me something to do with my hands, the ceremony of rolling the cigarette, lighting it, inhaling and enjoying the minty smoke, sitting back and taking it in…..it takes time, its a process, its also really difficult to describe!  So I had to find something to keep my hands busy, and remembering the episode of Heroes, whilst thinking about my meditation experiences of late, I thought, I bet I can make 1,000 paper cranes….that will stop me from smoking.

Now, everytime I want a cigarette I fold a piece of paper, and it can be anything, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, comic books, junk mail…anything that I can find just to keep my mind off smoking.  and I can say now it’s working, being around smoke makes me feel ill, the smell makes me want to vom on their faces, and the change in myself is remarkable, it’s early days yet but here’s to crossing off another Bucket List item and to continuing on my journey.

Made with 1978 Superman Comic Book

Made From: Pandora Jewellery Catalogue Page.

I found an Irregular choice Shoebox and have given them a home already

Here’s to the SuperCranes!!   May they guide me through this rough patch and grant me a blooming good wish when I’ve made 10,000 of the buggars!

Cheers for reading 🙂

L.J x