STOP! Grammar Time…

I love language.

I love writing and I love reading even more.

I’m not the world’s best speller, and I only really use basic grammar.  But, I have a deep and very dark secret that lurks beneath this pearly white smile.  I have an inner Hulk that cannot live in this world for it is too fearsome and may just kill you all.

Something inside my very being bubbles and boils, it churns and makes me want to smash and smoosh everything in sight, I want to climb the empire state building gripping a teeny tiny woman in my hands, swatting airplanes and helicopters out of my sight whilst roaring at the top of my lungs…


Oooh, it makes my blood boil, it’s grammar 101, and very simple to remember, I cannot fathom why it is abused in such a way that is completely incomprehensible to me.  I don’t know if it was that my grampy drummed it into me when I didn’t understand the need for the distinction as a child, or whether it is because I have studied many books and scripts in my years to have learnt, what I know to be, an acceptable amount of the english language, I honestly do not know what drives this insatiable irritance at this very minor and truth be told, forgiveable mistake.

Like a dog with a bone, it makes me want to hunt down the poor unfortunate soul who wrote it, sit them down and carefully go over the extensive history of these two VERY DIFFERENT spellings.  I feel like Ross from F.R.I.E.N.D.S, I over pronounce it when I use it in a sentence so that I cannot be mistaken.

I understand the English language is difficult, it is ranked as the most difficult European language to learn how to read.  Which is why it has always puzzled me as to why we have such abbreviations anyway?  Are we truly that lazy that we cannot just write ‘You Are’ ‘Do Not’ ‘Have Not’ ‘Cannot’?

My mum always used to say to me ‘Can’t isn’t a word’ to which I always wanted to reply…’well why is ISN’T a word then?’  ‘And while we’re at it, how about Haven’t, Shan’t, Don’t and Won’t’ why were these ones allowed, and my ‘Can’t’ was not? I smell a rat somewhere!

In recent years, I have come to the pondering that in fact these words never used to exist.  There was a time when we used the full and proper Mary Poppins way of speaking.  Shall not, will not, cannot, have not, do not, are not, we are, you are, they are…we used to have such eloquent tongues and now look at us, whom ever it was that decided ‘today I CAN’T be bothered with extra vowels’ has got alot to answer for, as they have accidentally shaped a whole new language…

When that person decided that we simply had too many vowels, they may have started a revolution, a revolution which has culminated in the language of modern English, a language formed to fit within 140 characters, a language that will now shape a new generation of linguists where instead of beautifully crafted sentences, set within gilded walls of perfectly pronounced paragraphs, we will be seeing how many words we can fit into a single row of letters.  It started with Laugh Out Loud [lol], it upgraded with Laughing My Ass Off [lmao], and has now progressed to ROTFLSHIDBLTWADSIF [Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Died But Luckily There Was A Doctor So I’m Fine].

What has the world come to?

Next we will be blogging in non-syllabic form, letters only, grammar will become obsolete, in fact language itself may become obsolete, this is the end my friends, the end is nigh, the apocalypse is dawning, I hate to be the bearer of such tragic news…


Happy blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J.Simms x


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