Countdown to the Summer

Summertime for me usually means 1 of 3 things…Garden Parties, Beetroot Salads and WOMAD.

I have been going to the WOMAD festival since the age of about 12-13ish, which makes this year the 10th year of my return.  Every year my family come together, my step sister [Poison Ivy] dyes her hair a fresh shade of awesome, my step brother [Batman] stocks up on the beer and whiskey and The parents [The Incredibles] start testing the tents and airbeds, filling the gas bottles and checking the solar powered lighting and I delve into the secret place in my wardrobe which harbours all the WOMAD clothing.

Now This year is the 30th Anniversary of the WOMAD festival, started by Peter Gabriel back in  [let me calculate this] 1982.  It’s also as I’ve said our families 10th year of the tradition of attending.  All this excitement has got me to thinking about the moments that were most special to me, moments that will stick in my head forever…when I was younger my siblings and I weren’t too fussed with the music, I once fell asleep in a crowd of thousands watching heavy dub reggae, but in later years I have really [To my step dad’s joy] finally taken an interest in the music, watching the line up change over the coming months, joining the forum to discuss potential acts and really investing in the festival that has grown to mean so much to me and my family.

As a youngster, for me WOMAD was like going into a book (bear with me).  When you drove into the site (originally in Reading, but even more so since the move to Charlton Park) at the old site you sort of drove around the barriers so you couldn’t see in, all you could see were these weird and wonderful cars and vans and people on roofs, and windows open with people hanging out in the sun, rear windows blocked by hoards of multicoloured banners and tent bags and boxes of wine.  To a child’s eye it was all magical, this feeling slumped towards the end of the Reading site’s history, by then us ‘kids’ were getting a bit older, starting to enjoy the bacardi breezers more than the party itself…then it moved to Charlton Park, and after a rough first year [THE YEAR OF WOMUD]…

Charlton Park recaptured my imagination, entering the site through the ‘purple gate’ going through a little castle gatehouse made you feel secretive and special driving into the tree lined fields, all the effort of dragging your makeshift home through the already worn down sandy coloured grass, with every step relinquishing a little more of the modern world, losing a shoe gaining a sandal, losing a sat nav and acquiring a programme, losing a house and moving into a tented home…

Unless you’ve been to WOMAD it’s hard to describe WOMAD, it’s not like Glastonbury or Reading or V fest, it’s just NOT.  Yes there are tents and music for younger people now, and even designated camping with a bar ON SITE!!, but it’s still not a normal festival.  It has balls at the same time as having respect.  It is unique at the same time as being popular.  Every person you pass generally smiles at you because you know the secret, you know the WOMAD truth just like they do.  Whether they are a newbie or an old timer, a WOMADspa goer or a DirtyFestieLover, your all the same, your all equals, there to enjoy good music, good food and a good time.

So to finish my introductory post about WOMAD, I thought I would share some of my favourite acts from my time at the festival.  I couldn’t include them all as youtube only provides so much for me, but I have included pictures throughout this post which are my own and my families of the festival we have grown to love, adore and cherish.

If the quality is not great I apologise, I tried to find the best ones online sadly there is no TV coverage of the WOMAD festival although it is on BBC radio 3.  So I have had to rely on audience footage.  I hope you enjoy none-the-less…

2011 – The Boxettes

Last year The Boxettes were literally jaw dropping! Every part of their music is created by their voices alone.  To create those sounds, I was dumb founded and so was the entire audience and the gatherin gfor their workshop as well.  I didn’t even touch my cider once throughout the performance I was that in awe of these girlies, if they came back for the 30th Anniversary I would cheer till my mouth pissed off for the rest of the festival!! check them out THE BOXETTES.  Their one and and only video for their single ‘FREE‘ is what drew me to them to begin with and I had heard from the london grapevine that is my friend Iron Man, that if I didn’t see them last year I’d regret it.

2010 – Imogen Heap

2010, was for me (and most of my family) THE best year at WOMAD.  Every single one of us, as we have very different tastes, found something we thoroughly enjoyed and we all came home positively beaming.  For me 2010 has a special place in my heart, as I got to see one of my favourite artists on the planet.  Imogen Heap was amazing and even though I was 3/4 of the way back in the Siam Tent, surrounded by very tall South Africans [who gave me a beer and let me stand on their step stool :)] it is still to this day the most emotionally powerful and affective performance I have ever seen.  I was totally overwhelmed in a way I never expected to be by music.

2010 – Imelda May

Also in 2010, we had the AMAZEBALLS set by the totally beautiful Imelda May, Now I was supposed to be going to a dubstep gig in the Big Red Tent but Poison Ivy persuaded me to stick with her and The Incredibles to watch Imelda, I was sceptical, I had heard of her but wasn’t all that fussed, so went off to get some food [My favourite Paella was on the cards that day] and as  I was walking back I heard this funky dirty beat, and these amazing rock’n’roll riffs and was dancing with my Paella wondering where it was coming from.  It was only when I saw Poison Ivy gesturing me into the crowd with a beer I thought ‘Okayyyyy now this bird is goooooood’.  Needless to say we bought the album and sang it like crazy people all the way home that year!

2009 – Nneka

Nneka was a discovery for me.  I saw her on the line up a few months before hand and got hooked on her track Heartbeat.  I was pumped to see her but my family weren’t too sure.  I convinced my step-dad that she was like warm honey on a bagel and he agreed to come and see her.  He loved her dolcet tones and the rest of the family loved the dancing beats which allowed them to boogie.  It was at that moment i said she would make awesome dubstep music.  6 months after WOMAD her track Heartbeat had been remixed by Chase and Status and was being played on BBC radio1! have I mentioned i’m a music psychic? *NEW POST ME THINKS*

2007 – The Dhol Foundation

And finally, The Dhol Foundation.  This group has a treasured and hallowed place in my families heart especially my mum’s.  Johnny Kelsi, the front man is an incredible force to be reckoned with and has the charm and wit to go with the immense amount of talent he displays in every single performance.  My mum blares their albums from her car like a regular boy racer, you can watch her smacking the steering wheel in time with the electric fusion beats and nodding her head, no in fact headbanging to the drops and kicks and intrigueing sounds on every single track.  She was heartbroken at WOMUD when we had to leave early before seeing them, and since then has not been able to see them.  If I ever won the lottery I would get them to do a private concert for her.

AND WELL, THAT’S IT…

For now anyway, I will update as we get closer to the festival and I shall be live blogging from the site itself this year as well.  But until then enjoy the videos and check out the WOMAD website and buy some tickets yourself, if you do let me know and we can have a WordPress Bloggers Meet at the Chai Tent 🙂

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J.Simms x

I don’t wear Lipstick but if I did…

I WOULD WANT THEM TO LOOK LIKE THESE BEAUTIFUL DESIGNS…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This last one is my favourite, I love the sharpness, the detail and the texture in the paint is awesome!! Much prefer it on a canvas on my wall though instead of on my ACTUAL lips.

Normal blogging will resume tonight orrrr maybe tomorrow,

Happy blogging, Cheers for Reading,,

L.J x

ICE CREAM = CRACK COCAINE?!

ICE

CREAM IS 

AS ADDICTIVE 

CRACK COCAINE…?!

Okay guys, I am in trouble!! It has officially been studied and made all official and scary and worry-mongering ICE CREAM IS AS ADDICTIVE AS CRACK! 

That’s it, I will be relegated to the street corners of Soho, plugging my wares, selling my body for a piece of that fine ass chocolate chunk.  You will see me, hand open begging, pick-pocketing for just a slice of that cold creamy goodness. 

To any of my friends they would not call my insessant love for Ice Cream, an addiction as such.  Maybe The Thing would sympathise with me, as he too loves Ice cream.  There was nothing better than when we were at Uni, finding out  one of us had Ice Cream stashed somewhere, out of the reach of the Crack-Cream-Badgers that were other students!  we would grab two spoons, no bowls that’s for wuss’s!  Two spoons, an action packed/psycho thriller/make you thinker sort of film, we would snuggle up and enjoy the sensation of the ice cold frozen cream, slipping into your warm tummy, the chunks and delights giving you the beautiful texture and diversity in every pot.

Okay, I’m going to stop the psycho-ice-cream-babble right there and progress onto the report.  It seems like just another one of those, DID YOU KNOW, ‘everything you know and love is going to kill you’ reports that stems from people who literally get paid to go ‘hmmmmm I wonder if……….oh! YEP!’.  Obviously, Ice Cream is bad for you we know this, and what with the Indian Summer they keep predicting in England on it’s way, they probably want people to second guess having a cheeky cone (or 9 :S) but seriously…CRACK!?

What do they want us to do about it? BAN ICE-CREAM!? EXILE BEN AND JERRY?! SEND HAAG AND DAS TO RE-EDUCATE IN ACCOUNTING???

HERE I WILL DRAW SOME CONCLUSIONS….

  1. The study was complete on ‘average’ adolescents.  No overweight people or older OR younger participants were used in the study, so there fore the study technically is honing in on one very small population of people who lets be frank, ermmmm freakin’ love Ice-Cream!
  2. The study only tested Ice-Cream, NOT FAIR!!! why make us Ice-CREAMERS the bad guys?? What about those Gummy-Lovers [also me] and the Choco-Freakos? [ermmm also me] and HOW DO THEY KNOW that Pizza-Pickers [dammit also me] aren’t just like jumped up Smackheads? huh??? HUH???? [I need a fix sorry….1 Magnum later]
  3. The only studied the habits of these people for like 2 weeks….ermm what if they were ACTUAL crackheads like 3 weeks prior?? huh?? surely anything…even heavenly ice cream would have seemed like the class A equivelent, I know when I haven’t had ice cream for a while, Frozen Yoghurt can always substitute…
  4. the counter player was a ‘tasteless liquid’ (clearly piss!) that’s not fair, NO-ONE CAN RESIST THE FLAVOUR OF ICE-CREAM!!!
  5. THE STUDY DIDN’T EVEN ‘ACTUALLY’ COMPARE THE ADDICTIVE QUALITIES JUST THE ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOUR THEREFORE RENDERING THIS STUPID STUDY ABSOLUTELY RUBBISH…….I NEEEEED A POT OF BEN AND JERRY’S HALF BAKED OR COCONUTTERLY FAIR OR CARAMEL CHEW CHEW OR OH MY APPLE PIE RIGHT NOW STAT, MAN DOWN…

MAN DOWWWWN!!!!!

 

 

 

 

[ok, maybe there is some truth in it? I’m on the phone with Ice-Cream rehab as we speak…]

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J.Simms x

_____________

p.s if you want to read the report click the ice cream parlour image it should take you to the NHS article with all the relevant information 🙂

Kreativ Blogger Award – Have you been nominated?

 Well, I shall start off this ceremony of giving by first showing my appreciation for the beautiful blogger who nominated me!

LAURISSA HUGHES, is by far one of my favourite blogs on the internet let alone just on WordPress!  Her comics have me physically hunched over with laughter.  She has an amazing style and wit to her comics which is rarely found now-a-days.  So first and foremost, THANK YOU LAURISSA!! here are all her details check out every single one!!

LAURISSA HUGHES – Website, Blog, SketchBlog, TwitterTumblr, LinkedIn
Please give her a looksie, and a final THANK YOU to Laurissa for nominating me, it meant the world to me MY FIRST AWARD 🙂

RIGHT, NOW, ON WITH THE AWARD GIVING AND RULES…

“TO ACCEPT AND RECEIVE THE ‘KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD’ YOU MUST FIRST COMPLETE THESE THREE STEPS”

  1. You must Thank the blogger who granted YOU the award, providing links to their website and any relevant information about them that you desire to disclose to your readers.
  2. You must write 7 interesting facts about you, these can be purely informational or as personal as you like, no rudey nudey facts though!
  3. Then you must nominate 7 others for the ‘Kreativ Blogger Award’ and provide the links, also notifying them of their achievement.

7 Interesting Facts About TheCommonTarté herself, L.J.Simms…

  1. I love Sci-fi, in fact I’m an utter geek about it, not so much the whole Star Wars/Star Trek kind of Sci-Fi, more the superheroes/villains/bust yo’ assssss kind of sci-fi.
  2. I go to a music festival called WOMAD every year, [WorldOfMusicAndDance] it is for me the most  amazing place, and for 5 days a year [we go early] it is my heaven.  One day I hope to get married at this festival!
  3. If I ever crave food it will be 1 of 5 things; McDonald’s Strawberry Milkshake, PB&J Sandwiches, Ice Cream, Salted Cashew Nuts or Macaroni Cheese.
  4. I started blogging to help me in the healing process for my depression.
  5. I have THE most complicated family, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
  6. My ideal man would wear wayfarer glasses, have a beard, tattoos and would want to curl up together to listen to 1990’s indie records.
  7. I love the C word.

7 Nominees for ‘The Kreativ Blogger’ Award…[and links!]

  1.  FUNK’S HOUSE OF GEEKERY
    This is a place where you can find news, reviews and opinions on those things that geeks do for fun – movies, games, comics, books and more!
  2. WE HEART VINTAGE
    This blog is one of those blogs, that is always popping up on my Read Blogs feed, I like something at least every day, beautiful pictures and a beautiful outlook on everything vintage!  Plus, it’s definitely unique from every other VINTAGE site in that it blogs QUALITY not just QUANTITY.
  3. SPIRITUALITEA
    I LOVE THIS BLOG, In recent months I have opened myself up to the possibility of spirituality, and Shannon’s view on peace and wellbeing is awesome.  I especially love her recipes!!
  4. THE WARDROBE CHALLENGE
    Okay, so being a plus sized lassie myself, I’m always very sceptical about PLUS SIZE FASHION blogs, ‘ohhh your beautiful’ ‘merrrr’ This blog is actually THE ONLY ONE I follow, she has great fashion sense and has really boosted my confidence in mixing it up a little bit!
  5. IT’S ONLY ERICA
    Erica is a new edition to my blog family, she is fun, fresh and a breath of clean sea air on my blog feed, I’ve been following her on twitter too!
  6. CATBIRD365
    I love Cat’s PhotoBlog, plus she is a courteous blogger.  She always comments the most heart warming things and fills my wordpress with kindness.  We have a lot in common so if you like my blog pop over to hers for cute and interesting photos on the 365 days project 🙂
  7. BIG SIS LITTLE DISH
    OUTRIGHT – MY FAVOURITE BLOG ON THE NET! SIMPLE!!!!!
    These sisters are doing it for themselves, their recipes are amazing, the photography is kitsch elegance personified! they are fun, cool and more and more intrigueing with EVERY recipe!! LOVE THEM!!

 And that my darling’s is that!

Please give all my nominees a little looksie and to all my nominees I hope to see your nominations soon!

Happy blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J.Simms x

Confessions of a Bad Brunch…

The most disappointing Brunch I've had in a LONG time

Brunch is a meal that should be eaten in delightful surroundings [CHECK!]  whether in bed, at a drive thru, or with your mum, step-mum and little sister in ROYAL Tunbridge Wells…

As a group we can be pretty hard to handle, we all have our own little quirks, things that we enjoy when eating out.  My mum likes comfort, food that fills you with that ‘MMmmmmMmm’ feeling.  My  sort of kinda Step-Mum, likes something with raisins, eccles cake, fruit cake, tea cake…anything raisin and cakey she’s on it!  My sister and I are pretty similar, we both TRY to watch our food and are both watching the weight [both going in opposite directions she goes down, I go up]  but all in all we like good food, helps if it’s cheap and  we can’t abide dirt or rudeness…(oh dear,oh dear)

WELL HOW DISAPPOINTED WERE WE, I CAN’T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN…

I should start at the beginning as that is where it all began, the bad food was definitely overshadowed by the bad service that was apparent from start to finish.

We sat down outside the delightful WOODS restaurant, it was a casual Saturday so we didn’t expect too much, a light lunch/brunch with a few cuppa-T’s to see in a lovely sisterly weekend.  We sat down and after shuffling round chairs [wobbly] and moving tables [also wobbly] and we settled on the prime position equidistant from sun and shade.  Everyone outside seemed jolly and happy, pleased to be outside on a gorgeous sunny day enjoying the warmth with friends and family alike, that is all except the waiting staff.

With sour faces, and blunt and hardly even there voices I can say the customer service skills were matched by….well no one, I’ve had better service in a packed out kebab shop full of drunks at 4am.  My sister and I commented on the lack of cheer from the café elves but stuck with the place due to the Mothers’ interest in the interesting menu….ohhhhh YES

THE MENU

The location of WOODS, gives it a certain precedence when it comes to pricing.  A restaurant, in The Pantiles, in ROYAL Tunbridge Wells gives WOODS an initial excuse when it comes to their outrageous prices.  What makes that excuse an outright disgrace is the quality of the food which is served to your table…

THE FOOD

As stated above, we all had different tastes at our table… and it went a little something like this…

Customer 1 decided upon a hearty Wintery Soup, still suitable for spring with it’s combination of  crisp carrots and I hear alot of pepper

CUSTOMER No. 1

[the cracked black kind]  it was definitely a warmer of the winter kind.  The butter was served in a neat little black dish, although very hard and rather salty it was butter all the same, accompanied by some beautiful breads, fresh and fluffy, the soup was a winner.  Customer 1 gobbled it straight up and didn’t have a bad word to say about their suitable dish for when the grey sky clouded our day and cast a shadow upon the meal…

Customer 2 decided she would go for a suitable snack to go with her tea as the weather started to turn chilly.  We ordered our drinks about 15 minutes after sitting down, and after asking for some sugar twice, and doing that weird gesture to get the attention of the gentleman waiter who seems to have an automatic sight level of…STRAIGHT OVER MY HEAD, in the end we had to pinch the bowl of rancid looking sugar’cubes?’ from the empty table next to us.  Once customer 2 got the sugar for her now lukewarm tea, and was served her toasted teacake, she was again, similar to Customer 1 reasonably pleased…until that is, she spotted the bottom of the crockery her food, specifically her butter pot and the tea pot.  Now as someone who has worked in kitchens, I know the standards to which lesser restaurants and establishments have adhered to  having had to be the one to individually polish the knives and lose break-time to de-stain the crockery.  What I am about to show you is, in my opinion, not acceptable in a greasy spoon, let alone a restaurant charging above the odds for a mere cuppa!!

This ran down the entire length of the spout, and lined the entire inside of the lid, it meant that the tea had an odd look, like an oil slick, atop the tea…

This was not created by Customer 2 may I add as we tried to scrape some off to no avail,  just in need of a damn good soak…

So, food is going well at this point, crockery, service and drinks…not so good, but I’m not entirely disgusted, I’m hanging on by a swag of delicate muslin fabric not quite a thread…

Customer 3, myself, and I went for Eggs Benedictine, which I must say I love seeing on a menu.  It’s not often restaurants take the time to think of those who don’t like to smell like the ocean at breakfast.  Eggs Benedict is always on menus and I was delightfully surprised to see the ‘TINE’ at WOODS, so finding that nothing else tickled my fancy, I ordered it straight away.  [wish I had gone for the fish fingers and chips on the kids menu]  My eggs were revolting, clearly a chef who was not well trained enough to cook a poached egg without using alot of vinegar in his water because my eggs were overpowered by the stuff,  it filled the small pockets of water in the snottiest of eggs.  I stuck with it because by the time my food arrived I was starving, but ended up leaving 1/3 of my meal.  for £7.75 I expected the smoked ham to be the type that at least looks fresh, not straight out of a packet from ASDA, I expected it to be thick and sumptuous, it was not.  I expected the Hollandaise to be bright and luxurious in flavour, but the vinegar from the snotty eggs mixed strangely and caused the sauce to become bitter, all this on top of a soft and soggy ‘toasted’ English Muffin was to say the LEAST, outrageously disappointing on every single level.  My Mum had to stop me from complaining, and had I not had a small-ISH hangover I would have told the Manager where to go and where to send their chef back to school!

AND FINALLY…

Customer 4, the little sister…Now I need to state here and now, my sister is a wonderful creature, ‘Jade Lantern’ has a loud voice, a beautiful smile and a similar tolerance for bullsh*t to myself.  Having worked in customer service [again, similar to myself] ‘Jade’ knows the importance of looking busy and keeping the customer happy, hence her similar distaste for the NON-EXISTENT service we received.  ‘Jade’ ordered the Steak and Caramelised Onion Ciabatta, with grilled mushroom and side salad.  She was not asked how she wished her steak to be cooked, a vital error as we were in the middle of talking and she in turn forget to say ‘you best not bring that thing out moo-ing!!’  When it arrived, it has to be said, not only did her dish look spot on for the price [£7.95 only 20p more than my EGGS!] but it looked wholesome, tasty and mighty munchworthy.  Now, since when do you have to use a knife AND fork for a pre-cut essentially sandwich? DING DING DING you guessed it WOODS!!!!  I’m so past the point of badmouthing these guys now, I’ve got to the point where I feel sorry for them, times must be hard if you have to charge top drawer prices for a brunch that would have been more enjoyable in every way [barr the sunshine outside] at a McDonald’s Drive Thru….

Apologies WOODS, you have for now lost a customer due to your below par standards.

Don’t worry, in Arnie’s words ‘I’ll be Back’ to see if this review and the many others I have found online gets your butts into gear and starts you off on a little journey of improvement.  If you need some help Holla at your girl, I know customer service!!

So keep a watch out, I may come tomorrow, next week or 6 months from now, but I will be waiting, I will be watching and I will be inspecting those teapots!

Happy blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

_________________

http://www.woodsrestaurant.co.uk/pantiles/

If you fancy checking it out for yourself readers the website is above and it’s in Tunbridge Wells, KENT! ADVANCE WITH CAUTION but do give them a chance…

I honestly hope they’re out there…

As a passionate Sci-fi writer [I’m writing my first book at this very moment] I have always thought that ‘Aliens’ are a very real concept…

E.T Terrified me as a child, you wanna know why? because I honestly believed that there were people who weren’t people.  You know how when you were a child, that funky smelling Granny round the corner always used to double flick her alien eyelids at you, and the janitor at school definatly had a lizard tongue!

Aliens and U.F.Os, are for alot of people just an idea, fabricated by Hollywood to incite fear and kill off actual suspicion.  I mean honestly think about it, when you saw Alien vs. Predator did it make you think “OH WOW THIS IS REALLY REAL I WILL BE EATEN BY ALIENS TOMORROW” or on the more sensible hand, did you think “AWESOME GRAPHICS, I HOPE THEY DON’T MAKE ANOTHER ONE”?? Be honest, Hollywood and the powers at be have made it so that Aliens and other life forms other then the mighty mighty humans,  have a ginormous shadow of doubt hanging over them.

I sat today, as I do when brainstorming for my book, researching and trawling Google, and I came across fascinating finds, but every time there was this little niggling doubt in my stomach, every word I read, every picture I viewed, every video I watched I couldn’t help but think…these people all sound crazy, and that’s awful I WANT TO BELIEVE THEM!  I want to be swept away by this idea that we are not alone, but again there goes that little niggling feeling…”aren’t we?”

AND THIS IS WHAT PROVED IT TO ME, ALIENS ARE REAL, THEY WALK AMONG US, because I am convinced that they are the ones who tell us that they’re fake! It’s an ingeniuns plan if you think about it, convince a planet you’re not real then living all around them merrily minding your own business, then one day BABOOOM Aliens take over the world!

Keep an eye out for them Grannies!!

L.J x

The Future’s Bright, The Futures…APPLE!

I’m a Blackberry Owner.

YES I’M AWARE THAT SUCKS!

It’s images like these that not only make me do a slight happy wee in my Tuesday Panties, but also make me sick with envy and desperate for my phone upgrade [still got 3 months to wait].

When I chose my Blackberry Curve 2 years ago [yes I’m that stupid] I thought to myself you know what, everyones got BBM, iPhones don’t have BBM, iPhones just have pretty games, I don’t need games, L.J can do business on Blackberry, L.J NO NEED IPHONE..

Update: I need an iPhone 😥

This is a concept design for the iPhone 5, and I have to say its a thing of beauty.  I’m loving the idea of the ergonomically designed casing, the brushed aluminium steel AND the integration of the glowing apple is something I’ve always wanted from an apple phone.  That quintessentially ‘APPLE’ icon of the delicate glowing forbidden fruit, like you have been handed the technology of the gods is what I have always felt the iPhone and iPod have missed out on.

These concept designs are by a chappy called Federico Ciccarese, and he has done some amazing work, so much so that I reckon his designs may be looked at by the bosses at be at Apple! They’d be crazy not to, his design for the AppleTV (iScreen) is phenomenal, a curved design again with integrated SIRI, how long will it be before we come home and our TV says ‘Awww hunnie, hard day at work?, here’s a violent slasher movie to put a smile on your face! pppssstt, spoiler alert, PARIS HILTON DIES’.

All these new inventions from Apple honestly have me chomping at the bit to upgrade to an iPhone in June, just to get on the ladder.  The only part of Apple I’ve ever invested in is my iPod and I wouldn’t leave home without it.  I think in 10 years time, Apple will honestly be the ones who teleport us to different worlds, Microsoft put simply, just aren’t cool enough!

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading.

L.J x

Well I just spilt Yoghurt all down my front!

You know those depressing moments, when you google your blog and realise you actually have no impact on the google search engine what so ever.  That awkward moment when you think your blog is totally amazeballs yet you don’t appear til page 2,000,000 of the results that google miraculously found in under a nanosecond…

Well my friends, today I may have had a slight orgasm when I found that my teeny tiny blog IS NUMBER FREAKING 4!!!! out of a kazillion links, my blog came up 4th! all beit underneath www.urbandictionary.com but none-the-less!!

Uber happy today, I am in the process of writing a bigger post later on so keep your eyes peeled, just wanted to say thank you to every person who has read my blog, you’ve made me a very happy tarte!

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

Navigation Nessie #2

"Hi, can anyone here tell me if I have this the right way up?"

Navigation Nessie #1

Navigating these waterways is hell when your not quite sure whats underneath you!

THANK YOU READERS OF WORDPRESS

Paper Crane Update…

A month ago today I attempted to cross item Number #20 Off my Apocalypse Bucket List.  Number 20 was for me something I never thought I would achieve, to be honest it as a booster item, that’s why it said ATTEMPT to give up smoking, not ACTUALLY give up smoking.  I started making paper cranes to find something to do with my hands and in my first week I made 103.  Every time I wanted to roll a cigarette I would find some paper, any paper, I even used a bus ticket or two…

[Current Total of Cranes: 346]

1 month ago today I started to ‘attempt’ to give up…I will be honest it’s been really hard, who knew giving up the old ciggie would make you feel like a rabid racoon set on mauling every human who passes you?  As I continued, making the paper cranes, I found that I didn’t need to as much, as the cravings started to wear off It was only in those moments of UTTER desperation that I would find the nearest scrap of anything papery, (i’ve been known to fold a sturdy fabric ripped from the breaking base of my favourite handbag :[ ) and fold a crane.

I’ve now basically lost most of the cravings, I think I have officially given up smoking, and it feels…

sooooo PANTS!!

Yep that’s right I said it, I WISH I STILL SMOKED!! If I go to the pub now I get left for half an hour whilst everyone goes outside in the cold for a fag and end up MOVING the party outside!!

AND ANOTHER THING, everyone in my family smokes, yup that’s right, I have to segregate myself from everyone so I don’t inhale their hands just because it’s there!  As I said the cravings have dissappeared, I don’t NEED a cigarette I just WANT one, ‘cos it looks like fun!

My nails are finally starting to grow again, BRILLIANT…..NO! Now I have to paint and manicure them every week or I end up looking like someone from the Guinness Book of Records!

AND MY TASTEBUDS ARE REPAIRING THEMSELVES YIPEEEEE, HELLLLLLL NO!!! Now chocolate tastes sweeter, salt tastes sooooo damnnnnn good, and MILKSHAKES!!! OH-MY-JEHAAAAYSUS! Milkshakes taste like nectar now, So long to the weightloss!

Okay, bright side because otherwise I will lick the nearest ashtray…

I AM VERY PLEASED TO CROSS OFF ITEM NUMBER #20 ON MY BUCKET LIST, THIS IS AN AMAZING DAY, please kill me, THIS IS A MILESTONE I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE ACHIEVED, seriously waste me right now, I HAVE NEVER FELT SO MUCH CLEAN AIR IN MY LUNGS AND I AM PROUD TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU ALL, I’ll pay you 100 bucks just bash me in,  THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS NEW AND OLD WHO HAVE SUPPORTED ME THROUGH THIS TOUGH MONTH, I could be a disney villain with the amount of rage I have right now, CHEERS FOR READING EVERYBODY, die a slow and painful death, HAPPY BLOGGING!

L.J.SIMMS x

Undeniable Evidence that I am Infact a Panda…

Although my name is L.J, and my ‘stage name’ if you like is The Common tarte, today I am going to let you into a little known fact about me.  For years now, Wonder Woman has called me something unique.  A nickname that nobody else apart from R2D2, calls me any variation of.

And the name of choice? I hear you say? PandaPops.

Now yes, on occasion this is shortened to Pops, Pandy, Pandagirl (R2D2), PandaFace, Popsy, Poops [yes yes all very lovely] but all of these names got me to thinking today.  When I woke up this morning I did my usual ritual, I looked at my phone making unexplicable noises as if it was in pain, I checked its vitals then promptly threw it at the wall.  Thank the lord my blackberry is made of sturdier stuff!  Then I nestled back into my pit that I call a bed, the beautiful squishy kingsize duvet, the abundance of schmooscie pillows that vary is size, stuffing and casing, my toes curled under the secondary patchwork blanket i have which in the mornings is deliciously cold, my head sinks underneath everything into a deep dark corner of the enveloping mass and as soon as my mouth falls open with glee, I’m asleep again, having now scuppered any chance of waking up on time as my wakey-uppy device (A.K.A THE BLACKBERRY) has now had a meeting with Mr.Wall and decided okay we’ll dismiss that alarm shall we? and my body is now enrobed in so much comfort there is really no need for me to wake up…ever….like EVER….

What has this got to do with the whole Panda nickname? I HEAR YOU CRYING whilst you sip your morning mochas!

Well, I realised this morning that I am infact a Human Panda!  You may laugh, you may weep, but yes I am

A HUMAN PANDA

The facts are all there for anyone to see, when I wake up I have suspiciously large Black patches over my eyes, obviously this is not just the previous days make up smooshed around my face in my sleep THIS IS EVIDENCE OF PANDAFICATION!

My limbs are too short for my body which makes it really easy to curl up into a ball and sleeeep (PANDAFICATION)

I would much rather sleep then do anything else in the world (UTTER EVIDENCE OF PANDAFICATION)

and finally this is EXACTLY what I look like in the mornings…

Cheers for reading,

PandaPops! xx

The Meaning of Life According to Nintendo


Sometimes, okay, truth time, ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS, I often wonder what it would be like to live in a world just like Mario.  Feeling a bit lousy? Go on an adventure mission to save a princess, Tired of feeling small? Eat some red mushrooms feel a little bigger, Not feeling strong today? Strap on a blue shell suit, get some armour on that fragile self of yours! Bored of life all together? Here’s a green mushroom, now it’s coming in fast you gotta jump for it at just the ….. right…..moment…..

AHHHH DANG IT! you missed it!, ah well, do a few more levels and you’ll get another one, just earn a shit tonne of coinage, struggle through a few levels, die a couple of times and have the princess robbed from you a few more and then…..hang on…wait…

Maybe we are already living in a Nintendo game? No seriously think about it.  You never really ‘get the princess’ till your on your last ‘level’ about to face the ‘big boss’ and you realise you’ve just been chasing fruitless dreams for all of eternity!

What if we treated life more like a game, and less like a death sentence?  Instead of chasing this ideal of what we ‘should be’ chasing, why don’t we just go for what we fancy that day?  What would happen if Mario decided actually you know what?  Princess Peach isn’t all that great anyway,  All this work and no hanky panky afterwards?? REALLY?? Just a pat on the back and a ‘well done’…I mean he’s so busy rushing through the levels to save her, half the time you never get to experience the entire game anyways, there are always cheats and bonus levels that you miss out on if all you strive to do is save the darn princess.

No, from now on, I’m not going to play this life like Mario,  I’m going to be one of Luigi!! Yeah, he got the whole deal right you know, pop in and out when you like to help out, but don’t get bogged down with the big picture, make enough money to keep yourself happy, but don’t pimp out your entire self to be the face of something, Have whatever princess you like, because your not bound to one single game, NO, #TeamLuigi all the way!!

So here’s to the apocalypse generation!  Hold your heads high my friends and repeat after me…

#TEAMLUIGI #TEAMLUIGI #TEAMLUIGI

@thecommontarte , let’s start a revolution!

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

I’m a Tea Addict, So Shoot Me!

OMG! GET YOUR BUTTS TO ISMAIL PRONTO!!

Okay, I’m officially obsessed with this coffee and tea shop, and, to be honest I have wanted to do a feature on them for a while now and just haven’t got round to doing it.  So here goes…

Ismail, is a relatively medium sized coffee and tea house in Tunbridge Wells, Kent.  Now to say that I am a fan of coffee and sitting with one brewing whilst casually writing or reading, is a MASSIVE understatement, even in cold weather I will sit outside the shop to get the full benefit of the warming hot drink grasped in my hands.  Usually I darken such doorways as Costa or Starbucks, quick, easy, and basically identical,  what you don’t get with Costa and Starbucks is that feeling of individuality, you don’t get the feeling that your tea was brewed just for you or that your coffee was ground specifically so you would enjoy it.  Well this is where Ismail differs.

Everything in this place is luxury personified (with amazingly competitive prices as well, they won’t rob you blind like some other places!)  The teas are, firstly, BEAUTIFUL, my favourite is the one pictured above, ‘Amaretto Royale’ is THE most beautiful tea I have ever tasted, and if you are a fan of fruity teas like I am, but always get disappointed that it just doesn’t taste how you expect, this tea certainly packs a punch.

A spice and fruit infusion of crushed almonds, apples and cinnamon, this carefully balanced blend combines the creamy sweetness of almonds with subtle hints of cinnamon and ripe green fruits. I Drink it without milk and I add just a touch of honey to add to that rounded warmth sweetness you get from the apples and almonds.  Although there are no cherries in there, it honestly tastes like a cherry bakewell tart fresh from the oven.

AND, the brewing process is all sorted for you, the beautiful glass teapots let you watch the whole process as you are granted with a little timer, set at the counter that alerts you to the moment when your tea has brewed perfectly, this tea in particular takes 4-5 minutes to brew to an appropriate standard, which gives you enough time to settle in your seat, get your phone out and your book or paperwork.  PERFECTION.

Now Ismail doesn’t stop at tea and coffee, OH NO!! they are known locally for having THE best Hot chocolate in town, my personal opinion is that its the best Hot Chocolate in the world.  I’ve had Hot Chocolate in Italy, America, France, Belgium, Canada, Devon, and all of them have been there own little amount of perfect but Ismail’s is phenomenal, it’s beyond anything you’ve ever known…

This photo was from another trip to Ismail, a slightly colder day when all I could think of drinking was hot chocolate…Now let me take a moment just to explain this beautiful drink from beginning to end.

1) £2.40 (Starbucks £2.85 McDonalds £2.79 for the same size as Ismail)
2) What you can see there is a tall glass that has melted Belgian chocolate smothered around the inside of the glass and a deep well of chocolate at the bottom of the glass.  The chocolate is the best I’ve ever tasted and they do it in Milk and Dark chocolate.
3) The glass is then topped up with milk, hot and frothy, THEN…
4) They top it with an Ismail coin, a thick chocolate coin that sits on top and melts down into the milk.
5) When you stir this bad boy, the chocolate disappears into the milk, swirling round into the MOST amazing hot chocolate you will ever taste in this world.
6) Beware the chocolate moustache, my advice, just run your finger around the rim of the glass before you drink, I’ve seen many a person walk away with a beautifully crafted swirly moustache of Belgian goodness!

Now whether you live up north, or in the local vicinity GET YOUR BUTT TO ISMAIL PRONTO!  They are amazing in there from the food to the drinks to the cakes to the EVERYTHING, oh and did I mention that you can buy their teas and coffees AND CHOCOLATE in store and online? I didn’t mention it? oh well, YOU CAN BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE AND ONLINE!!!

http://www.ismail.co.uk

Muchos Love, and Happy coffee-ing!
Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

I.Get.By.With.A.Little.Help.From.My.Friends…

I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING…

That is one tasty looking basket right there!  This was the late night ASDA shopping that occurred with my best friend Wonder Woman.  It also needs to be stated that we were waiting at the make your own pizza counter when this picture was taken,  so add a large 18″ BBQ base chicken, pepperoni, mushroom and sweetcorn stuffed crust pizza to that basket and you have yourselves the perfect night in.

You know, I couldn’t live without Wonder Woman, we don’t see each other EVERY day, and we have our own separate lives, but when either of us really need each other the other one is always there, with a chocolate bar, a cuppa rosy-lea and a cuddle.  With us, friendship has no boxes, it has no boundaries, no guidelines that it must fulfill, it just exists.  We have been through the really tough times, and we have been through the amazing times, we started our friendship under the weirdest of circumstances and continue to surprise ourselves every time we see each other.  We understand the fundamental ticking of each others brain cogs and I would go as far as to say we know each other better than anyone else knows us.

Being with Wonder Woman alot recently got me to thinking…how is it that we work so well?  What is it that we do, that means our friendship has lasted this long, HOW DID we get through that…and HOW DID she put up with this…and WHY DID I allow that to happen and WHEN DID we start to grow old together?  I can’t start to imagine that I know the secret formula to a perfect friendship, because our friendship is far from perfect, we do have times where ‘If I’m Honest’ (private joke :P) we want to rip each others heads off and serve them for breakfast to the local duck pond, but you know what I wouldn’t trade her for anyone.  And, even though it is slightly childish and immature to say this, I would just like to say Wonder Woman?…BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!

So I say to you, go find your best friend, go give them a cuddle, take them for a pint, and celebrate that you have made it through however long you have made it through, every minute counts in the year of the apocalypse!!

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

How to Apologise for not blogging.

THE FASTEST WAY TO KILL THE BLUES IS
TO STUFF MYSELF STUPID WITH BREAKFAST!

So blogging has been difficult of late, I’ve had that overwhelming
feeling that life is not quite going to plan.

This breakfast truly made me turn my thoughts round to the more positive side of the fence…
taking into account this mug has two layers…one of Cocoa Pops getting nice and soggy at the bottom, and the top filled with crunchie crispy Rice Krispies!!

YUMZONE!! shortly followed by an indulgent bacon and eggs on toast.

Life has been up and down over the past week or so since I last posted, the job hunt is still ongoing and I am officially a ward of the state now as I have had to begin to claim JobSeeker’sAllowance, are you allowed to admit to that now-a-days?  Will I be hunted down for admitting to being a benefits beneficiary? 
Upon starting my claim, I had a terrible experience.  I was sweating the ENTIRE bus journey and once I got into that office, It dawned on me, that my Job Search was officially failing because I had ended up here, the one place I did not want to be.  The whole place is a stagnant atmosphere that promotes self-loathing and conscious doubt in your abilities as a human being!
So having started the day with my yummy mug of Joy, my life sank to new lows, encouraging the evil Dr.Depression to try to push through to the surface a little bit. So, I had to come home and treat myself to this yumsome plate of soft boiled eggs with a pinch of pepper and 2 slices of thick cut smoked bacon. There is something about the Joy of cooking that can truly cure any ill, the smell of the bacon slightly charring, the butter on the toast glistening as it melts and the salt and pepper, mingling into the golden sunshine that is the oozy yolk. The only thing that would have made this breakfast a million times better would have bee a gorgeous man in bed to serve it to, and an engorged bank account to replace it ready for the next morning 🙂

To all who have stuck it out with me, and who forgive me for my distance,

Happy blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

WRITERS BLOCK

SO, MY BRAIN HURTS TODAY, I’m Heartbroken, Spirit shook, and downright downtrodden, MEHHHH!!! So I have writer’s block big ass time, this is all that is coming out I apologise sincerely with love and adoration for anyone who reads this and can sympathise with a girl, who literally, is exhausted with life today, and yesterday and last night and just in general!

I have a Job interview tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up somewhat, but until then all you get is my Brain Farts, apologies my loyal friends! xxx

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hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwrda;cub;naeoyrvb;oreubvq;borueb;jvb.sdmvbcnvbdxjvbjdfbvjdbfvue
brgug0384t7y20184yt-1824yt8304g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwrda;cub;naeoyrvb;oreubvq;borueb;jvb.sdmvbcnvbdxjvbjdfbvjdbfvue
brgug0384t7y20184yt-1824yt8304g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwrda;cub;naeoyrvb;oreubvq;borueb;jvb.sdmvbcnvbdxjvbjdfbvjdbfvue
brgug0384t7y20184yt-1824yt8304g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwrda;cub;naeoyrvb;oreubvq;borueb;jvb.sdmvbcnvbdxjvbjdfbvjdbfvue
brgug0384t7y20184yt-1824yt8304g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwrda;cub;naeoyrvb;oreubvq;borueb;jvb.sdmvbcnvbdxjvbjdfbvjdbfvue
brgug0384t7y20184yt-1824yt8304g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
hnjgoserhg’zoignhsoregnhesonghb’ostigbhn’tronihb’otenhbtprijnh’e
tnhwtnht/jlhnrhnyiehj’piobj’sfpdjb’fpjbh’dfibh’aerphg’prhjeipwhrjg3rt
knhtel/nh/lnvc/lkvhjzsflnvjg’eil/ng/rwlndzmvnd/lvndvndslghrslsnvr uhgcnpeoicm girgy5ctuyrnvccehg,xmfjewodxjaskjfdksdnfvxdbjxhbozirhali4jyq’pi
rj’qgirhg’roughlfsajbvfjhvbz.xjfbhr;sdjhgarl;gflvndslgjwghwiruhwri
hgriwgnwr;jobgn;twujbn hgq[wrighwriogh3qp94ghaurighvbujrbvjsdbvsdjvb;e;utbmct,ubhnyxub
ncruymbp9tujhrop’jgwa’rhjbrwiphgq’rewigh’orwighrghruoghwrbvh
djsbv;wejvbg;dasjvbnhdjvkb.\dvjapwegouqwr
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy
wjerbigb;iwu;bjibgvliesvubdfivbiuvb;iqwubgqiurbgqirubvgrliuvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiyvgbqrhivbgfhbv,sdnbvaiweg3f974hg74hfajebv;ialbgvladhvbalrhjvbrlhjvbaerlvbalrhvbawlehvblrrblvahbvalerbvalrehkvbaerlvbelrhjvbarlejvba;elrjvb;arejvb;awriujvbarejkvbrjkvb;erjuvbr;jekvbdjvbsdb,mnrgvbrhjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiyjbgvlawrebkgv;larihjbvg;airhjgvb;earbv;rubv;uioreb;oqurbe;vjeiwjrbvghrbga,hvba,rhvba,rhbv,arhbv,hrbv,rhbve.rhbvare.hvbkaie.rbvkr.ejvbkr.vbkj.bd.snvbz,msjdbaungxlrihrgmegqouregmiwryegrbv;jknrbvksnfvb,dsnbvdsvbdjvbdvdjabvdjvbdajvadshvhvahvihpoihjfpeihgpqeihfdsvdbnmcbna,mnmzfw3rqigxfnroydzfmiedsjbnf,jrehgbkrughbcnxwybiy4g9urnfdjvnfdjkvn dvknfjvbnpeurgv
[409812408ty1289y3t82y182yt849e2yf9e7yfcsd97vcy9sdvyhasfuivhf
;jbnbjnfjvbsdabvwlgwrbghwkhgblkewbgfk.wejbfawe.rgvbrlhgblrghi
brel;gihrbg;rgb;wrebgruijvgbsdvbk .cnvbc.kjvb;alskvb;ajikvb;awru
ghbv;rawoeugbfhj53bt.53nhb.235b6.5n6b5.n6b252nb6n3b4btljhtieh
fpidsuvd90sv78s0dfv7dfs8v67vb790c0 7gcp uhefpuewhfpu24yrp2u49irhg4qwiuhgrjbas.fjcwep;hgq;weigh’wrepd’
svwhevhjgi34yh’it4hy;fueyf;iouhdc;jasdgfiuq43tu43hbgtjdmfhawejh
fjhfwaeouhfw9e8y4397uhrt4uo3th4uhgrs97gyfd9g7suvghghbgjdfhg
jhgjsghsdjlvndmnvdvbhwae;weugh;iugbhvweljkrbghserjkbgrt,nhlor
thbjdfnvaerhbcgfldxigyhdrtjgnbhsdifngjnghs,mzhj,ykdshfbglsdjfnv.
gzmfshgajrshg;esrjhg;serhgs;rjegh;aoirhg;ojhg;ltjwenhglsejhg;seoi
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“I Will Kill You and Everyone You’ve ever Met…”

Maybe I should have stated earlier, I don’t ACTUALLY want to kill anyone…
It’s a quote from the NEW series of Vampire Diaries coming to ITV…oops!

Haha, Soooo now that awkward situation is over, you know the one where you started to read this thinking I was a Serial Killer, kind of hoping you had stumbled across something insane when actually I was just cleverly diverting your beautiful attention to my blog post about what I’ve been watching recently, call it a mega-review if you will, sit down make your self comfy, get a cuppa if you’re feeling cheeky and settle down for my TOP 5 [5*s*t*a*r*] programmes to watch this year.

Some may already be on TV and some may give you a bit of a wait, but hopefully you’ll enjoy my rundown…

-: UK vs. US :-

BEING HUMAN
UK ORIGINAL OR US REMAKE?

Now it’s not often that I watch a TV series, on  TV, at a time which it is technically specifically supposed to be viewed.    Being Human caught my intrigue when I was doing one of my late night WordPress Benders, and the advert for season 4 popped onto the telly.  Not since Buffy the Vampire Slayer, have I felt such excitement over a BBC channel at 9pm.  So before it came on I got myself seasons 1-3 and had a marathon weekend [needless to say YES I’M SINGLE! AND UNEMPLOYED! that’s where I get the time]
Being Human (UK) is one of those shows that truly captures that part of you that still believes in Halloween and Ghost stories, that part of you that loves to cry Bloody Mary into the mirror when your pissed and Watches slayer movies on Valentines, but it’s the quintessentially BRITISH comedy that turns that into pure genius!
In the inbetween between my marathon slog and the new season I caught a few episodes of the US version.  Now although I personally prefer American Series’ I found that again although amazing in it’s own right (I LOVE THE VAMPIRE MOTHER!!) I feel that its the good’ole Brit Sarcasm and Wit that just takes ours to another level!

UK ALL THE WAY [BBC3 9pm Sundays]
* * * * * – One To Watch

Proper Sunday Afternoon Action...

WAREHOUSE 13
DOCTOR WHO MEETS CRIMINAL MINDS MEETS JACKPOT FOR SYFY!

Ok, Ok, I know not everyone has SKY or VIRGIN or one of those better than average boxes that lets you watch this…that’s why I’m not going to tell you to search WatchSeries into that search engine called Google because I am NOT recommending you should watch them online EVER! because that is breaking the law!

On the other hand, if you have already seen Warehouse 13 or not, it offers to its viewers face paced, exciting, action packed and historically  intrigueing episodes that journey you through history searching for ‘artifacts’  Warehouse 13 already has numerous seasons but it’s return in I think March of this year (don’t quote me on that) is being highly anticipated in The Common Tarte household!

[SYFY Channel]
* * * * * – One To Look Out For!

Alphas Review

What Heroes Missed Out!

ALPHAS
WHERE HEROES WENT WRONG, ALPHAS IS GOING RIGHT…

Alphas is one of those programmes, it harks back to the age old Superhero vs. the Government debate, and initially can seem very old hat.  “OH NO they can’t be ‘contained'” “The government are evil and want to experiment ahh!!” But, alphas provides it viewers with hard action.  There is simply no other way to put it, the powers are believeable, and highly creative, putting new spins on the average super-human powers showcased in show after show.  Alphas manages to do what Heroes couldn’t.  It lends itself to a character focused script instead of plot focused, which means its not hard to follow, its riveting to watch and it captures your attention every second.  My favourite character is Gary, actor Ryan Cartwright is PHENOMENOL!!! and Gary is one of those characters I could laugh and cry and fear for all in one episode! Top marks Alphas, catch up online with the first series and get ready for the Second coming later this year!

[SYFY Channel]
* * * * * – One To Keep In Mind

Misfits ReviewBest British SciFi/Comedy For Years!

MISFITS

THERE IS HOPE FOR SEASON 4

Yes, I admit, I am a Misfits slut! I love nothing more than settling down, turning out the lights, having a cuppa and a smoke and AVIDLY watching the next installment of misfits.  So before the haters seep out of the ground, SEASON 3 rocked!  Maybe you had to get some polyfiller for the Robert Sheehan sized gap in the show, Joseph Gilgun came on and made his own massively awesome hole himself.  I did find that we didnt learn ENOUGH about his power, and I was left at times with a sense of confusion, but overall I think the team did an Amazing job of making up for the vacuum that was going to be Sheehan’s Departure, Here’s to season 4 this year, may it live long a prosper and keep us on the cusp of all that is politically not-so-correct!

[E4/Channel4]
* * * * * – One To Always Watch.

Homeland Review

Don't Judge This Book By It's Cover

HOMELAND
YES YOUR RIGHT THAT IS THAT ANNOYING BIRD WHO PLAYED JULIET!

Homeland, Homeland, Homeland, Award winning, All Star Cast, Impeccable writers and 5* All American Hollywood Production, can you tell that I loved this series yet?

Okay, Homeland starts on Channel4 this week, but I have been lucky enough to already have seen the first season.  I will try VERY hard not to add any spoilers!
Homeland is truly a show to be reckoned with.  CIA, Terrorism, Marines, Suicide Bombers, Infidelity, Mental Health and good old American Spirit.  Homeland brings a whole knew perspective to the Terrorism subject.  The premise is an American Marine POW has been turned and is working for Al Qaeda, then what happens? They find an American Marine POW!  The writing is insanely clever, and the cast are AMAZING there are faces from across the world of film and television including actors from Criminal Minds, V [2009] and even her dainty self Miss Claire Danes.  Now I have a pet peeve, and that is Miss Dane’s bottom lip,  I hated it in Romeo and Juliet when she wakes up but doesnt save Romeo!! anddddd I hate it in this when she cries [can’t tell you why, SPOILERS]  Apart from Miss Dane’s lower lip I loved homeland, it’s ability to keep you guessing til the very last second is truly GENIUS and I’d recommend to anyone that they tune in this week!

[Starts: Feb 19th, 9.30pm, Channel4]
* * * * * – ONE NOT TO MISS!

Well, that’s it for today kids! I hope you enjoy
any of the programmes I have listed today
and if you want to pose a counter review
I’d be happy to hear your thoughts 🙂

Cheers For Reading,

L.J x

How to Cope with Being Unemployed

So, currently I’m unemployed.  It’s a crap life but somebody’s
got to do it.I’ve been unemployed for 3 months, I’ve worked
since I was 15 and I spent 3 years doing a degree.  You’d think I’m
suitable for something, anything,I would clean toilets if it
meant that I was earning some decent cash that I honestly feel I
worked hard to deserve to earn.  When you go to University
everyone tells you it’s the right thing to do, you HAVE
to do it if you want to make your life better than the
average bear’s!  What a mistake it was to listen
to that advice!  Honestly, in my humble opinion, I think unless
your going to TRAIN for a profession, don’t bother, it’s not
worth your time or debt! Since losing my job, I’ve tried
every which way possible to get a Job.  I’ve tried recruitment
agencies, Online jobsites, unemployment agencies.  I’ve even
tried to get funding to start my own studio for my artwork but
no joy anywhere! I recently had to apply for JobSeeker’s
Allowance and to tell you all the truth…
It’s killing me, I hate it, I hate having to accept money that I
haven’t earnt plus along with the overwhelming feeling of
un-accomplishment I have to have the telephone meetings with
the Job Seeker Lady, the woman who bless her
heart find the most inane jobs available and tries to palm them off on me…

That’s right! ME! The woman who got a flaming DEGREE!
I’ve got 4 Alevels! I’ve got 12 GCSEs!!!
THEY ALL TOLD ME I’D GET A JOB INSTANTLY!!!!!!!

See what I mean kids? My advice? don’t stick in school,
get out as soon as is legal, get your backsides down to an
apprenticeship, or work to learn scheme this further education
stuff is boll***s if you ask me!! £12,000 and I’m still no
closer to a well paid salary job than the homeless
guy who lives by tescos!

So after I speak with Job Seeker Sue, I get a call from the
Recruitment Man Sam, his smarmy voice, and sales talk makes
me cringe, I’ve worked in sales related jobs all my life, these
people think I can’t recognise the sales banter?? REALLY?
Then comes the prep for the interview. what to say,
what NOT to say…and OH WAIT

“Definitely don’t mention that you worked in childcare…”

“Hi there, hello, yes, hi can you hear me, oh great,
*smarmy sales voice*
hiiiiiiiiiii
yes great to talk to youuuuuu,
yesssss I meann I’ve…

*here comes the sales banter crap
Recruitment Man Sam tells me to say*

yes.I.mean.I’ve.worked.in.sales.for.many.years.and.I’ve.
managed.a.team.of.up.to.6.working.on.the.analytical.
basis.that.I.prepare.all.their.time.managment.graphs.and.
yes.I.work.towards.target.based.memorandums.and.of.
course.I.can.work.microsoft.office.to.grade.A.standard.yesssss.
I’ve pioneered.flights.to.Gambia.and.yes.of.course.I’m.
fully.trained.in.zombie.attack.protocol.and.yes.I.have.the.statuatory.
2,000,000.years.worth.of.experience.that.is.vital.to.
know.how.to.sell.someone.paper.waste.management.and.
I.always.carry.my.iPhone.because.of.course.I.would.never.own
a.blackberry.and.I.would.love.to.discuss.this.role.further.
with.you.your.highness.who.I.need.to.give.me.a.job.because.I’m…

!DESPERATE!

Day 86 of unemployment, and I’m tired.

Yes I said it, I’m freaking tired, I do nothing all day,
but drink coffee, eat toast, watch Jeremy Kyle and imagine
up blog posts.  I make dozens of Paper Cranes all day not
only to stop me going insane from not smoking (because I
can’t afford it) but also because I’m bored! I sit and read
cookery books that I can’t cook from because I have no money
I watch QVC, and dream of owning the quick fire
chopper upper thingy because I have no life
I constantly chew my nails and stare at my BBm,
Whatsapp, Facebook AND Twitter because my friends
are all at work and I get excited over my afternoon milky coffee
because I pretend its a caramel latte from costa, minus the caramel!

I’m writing a novel…
Yeah I can do that, I’m creating an art installation too, and I’m
trying internet dating I’m desperately trying to keep the
creative creature inside me amused, so I don’t lose hope
that one day, someone will think I’m not half bad, and
trust that my CV isn’t the end of all things, and
SOMETIMES, you have to TRUST someone,
not just check theirfacebook to see what a mess
they were at the last festival they attended.

(I was a state!)

I FOUND A JOB

OH MY SHIT I FOUND A JOB

It’s perfect, it’s £26,000 A YEAR!!!!!
*slight orgasm sorry everyone*

I could do this job, I could ACE this job, I’m perfect for it,
give me the job, yess, yess, ahhhhhh, omg, omg, omg, omg
JOB ADVERTISMENT MEGA ORGASM…..

dammit, I need a qualification…

but I could do it……and I could do it really well.

[This is the part where I broke down, crying, snot,
it wasn’t pretty heaving with sorrow into my pillow,
with the inevitable *woe is me* speech, then getting the
angry face, you know that agression that creeps in,
the *f!ck no I’m better than this* agression, that insists
that you fight the system, stick it to the man,
bring down the house and generally sound like an epic fool…]

This is the genuine Cover Letter that I sent.
I omitted my real information in editing.
I sent this alongside my CV, to the dream job.

ScreenShot from the application form.

So please, anyone who reads my blog, anyone who likes it,
or follows me because of it take your hands and cross
those fingers for me, If your religious, pray for me,
If your a jedi, do some funky mind tricks..and if you
just so happen to be someone from RED GATE
please give me the job, I would work like a slave for you…

You’ve just got to give me a chance…

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

103 WAYS TO GIVE UP SMOKING

A Thousand
Paper Cranes…

[BARE WITH THIS POST, I HAVE ADDED THIS POST-POSTING TO THIS POST…HAHA SORRY, ERMM YES, I BEGAN WRITING THIS 2 WEEKS AGO, SINCE WRITING THIS I HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE CIGARETTE, AND SINCE STARTING THE PAPER CRANES JUST OVER A WEEK AGO I HAVE FOLDED 103 CRANES, JUST THINKING I WOULD HAVE SMOKED THAT MANY CIGARETTES IF NOT MORE, IN 7.5 DAYS, SCARY STUFF…GOOD LUCK TO ALL THOSE QUITTING SMOKING THIS YEAR, I’M REALLY GOING TO STICK TO IT THIS TIME]

1,000 Paper Cranes  (千羽鶴 Senbazuru?)
“Thousand Origami Cranes is a group of one thousand origami paper cranes held together by strings. An ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane, such as long life or recovery from illness or injury.”

[http://tinyurl.com/7tjdxxo]

The idea intrigues me, it made me almost cry when I watched it on Heroes, noteably one of my favourite series’ of the past few years.

 Watching Charlie’s expression, when the camera zoomed out and revealed the epic amount of cranes delicately hanging by clear threads around their heads was in my opinion, utterly beautiful and actually quite stylish! Ha Ha…

Now, today has frankly been an awful day, I woke up in that highly irritating situation where your neck has been sleeping comfortably all evening, and then, suddenly, the second you wake up…AH%&$$! F*&£”~#!! …your neck trips into spasm and you can’t move for the rest of the day! anddddd I decided to start item number 20 on my Bucket List, I figured that although I have ticked a few things off the list, I’m still no closer to actually COMPLETING the list.

Item Number 20. ATTEMPT TO GIVE UP SMOKING…

Now your all probably wondering what the hell item 20 and paper cranes have in common, well it all started like this…..

So being unemployed, with no car, no money, not alot of people around during the day and a family who all smoke! (that’s right kids, Batman, The Incredibles, Poison Ivy, Misty Knight, Iron Man, WONDER WOMAN!! allllllllll of them SMOKE!)  Now obviously Poison Ivy is up lá duff so has stopped smoking, but for me it was so easy to just light up a fag, puff puff puffy away all day, I would say I had a steady 20 a day deal going on, menthol rollies were to me like a warm glass of red wine of an evening, just something i enjoyed!  and then the fateful day arrived….

Poison Ivy had warned me something like this may happen, and when Wonder Woman tried to give up last month, she said the same thing, there comes a point where something just snaps in your mind, and smoking just isn’t nice anymore!
Now for all those people out there screaming,’SMOKING’S DISGUSTING’ ‘IT’S GOING TO KILL YOU’ ‘YOU SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY’ I really don’t care, unless you’re a smoker you have no concept of how good it feels to have a fresh cup of coffee and a sneaky ciggie, or rolling a menthol and relaxing just puffing away.  IF YOU ARE NOT A SMOKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THAT FEELS!!! and after sex……. WOWWWWWW better than the sex before it haha.

But anyway I digress, so I was sat in the study with my tobacco rolling a cig, and it happened, something choked a little in my throat, i licked the rizla and the smell of the dry tobacco made me feel a bit icky, and as I sparked the cigarette, I was convincing myself that I wanted to become a non-smoker! (I think it helped that my pouch was now empty and I had no way of getting anymore haha!!)

Day one – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day two – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day three – Ok, 0 Cigarettes
Day four – Average, 0 cigarettes, stood behind woman at cashpoint inhaling her scarf it smelt so good
Day five – SH*T, SH*TE, CR*P, AWFUL, SHODDY, EURGH, CRAPOLAAA! 0 cigarettes…grrrr
Day six – Pissed off, angry, want to murder someone for £3.50 to get tobacco… 0 cigarettes
Day seven – Today…woke up, feeling refreshed, breathing (asthma) noticeably clearer, cravings minimum, 0 cigarettes…

Now….how did I do it?

PAPER CRANES!!!

Honestly, for the past week I have ranged through every emotion possible, this first week of not smoking has almost killed me, and I think its mainly due to the fact that I have nothing to cure the boredom, smoking became a habit because I was bored.  It gave me something to do with my hands, the ceremony of rolling the cigarette, lighting it, inhaling and enjoying the minty smoke, sitting back and taking it in…..it takes time, its a process, its also really difficult to describe!  So I had to find something to keep my hands busy, and remembering the episode of Heroes, whilst thinking about my meditation experiences of late, I thought, I bet I can make 1,000 paper cranes….that will stop me from smoking.

Now, everytime I want a cigarette I fold a piece of paper, and it can be anything, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, comic books, junk mail…anything that I can find just to keep my mind off smoking.  and I can say now it’s working, being around smoke makes me feel ill, the smell makes me want to vom on their faces, and the change in myself is remarkable, it’s early days yet but here’s to crossing off another Bucket List item and to continuing on my journey.

Made with 1978 Superman Comic Book

Made From: Pandora Jewellery Catalogue Page.

I found an Irregular choice Shoebox and have given them a home already

Here’s to the SuperCranes!!   May they guide me through this rough patch and grant me a blooming good wish when I’ve made 10,000 of the buggars!

Cheers for reading 🙂

L.J x