This is My Confession…

I have a deep and very dark secret, one which I have never told anybody, I feel this secret is eating me up inside and I must let it out before it dissolves my very soul.  I have an addiction, it is a serious addiction for which I feel I may need some form of rehab for.  Now this addiction renders me completely stupid, I have no way of stopping once I have started, i’m too scared to admit this secret addiction to my family and even my friends.  I am so terrified that they will think ill of me once they know that I am keeping this secret shut off from the entire world.  So if I tell you, you have to promise to keep it to yourself, you can’t tell anyone okay because they may get the police involved and I mean, it’s a serious crime what I do, it endangers not only myself but anyone who is around me when I am doing it….

Get your pointing fingers and laughing faces ready...

Hello, my name is L.J.Simms and I am a Song Mimer.

Wow, it feels so good to finally tell someone, I have a terrible habit  of miming/acting songs when I sing them.  It can evolve into a full on scene with myself and anything I can get involved.  I have slowdanced with a giant teddy named adgar who lives in my wardrobe [not a hallucination] I have broken up with beautiful men [still not a hallucination] and I have had sexually tense encounters with Drake [certainly a hallucination].

It’s terrible, I struggle to stop myself from doing it, sat in the car with my mum and I have to look in the window as I mouth and mime the emotive background of the song, it builds up like a bubbling volcano til it’s at gale-force 9 and I’m full on scream singing and acting out the entire song.

It all started a few years back, when I first started to really get into music, I had an awful break up with a boy from my youth [i’m now actually INTO my 20’s so can say ‘in my youth’] and I went straight home and listened to Simple Plan’s album.  I lay on my bed and I listened to the words and through my tears and teenage pain I started singing along whilst ripping up all the photos I had stuck underneath the shelf above my bed. [again I was YOUNG] In that moment I started picturing him in front of me and starting singing the song as if it was towards him, picturing how it would seem if I sang this song to him, directly, like really in his face…

This first encounter with Song miming was only the start, as my music taste developed and in turn my relationships took different paths both personal and professional I found that I started to develop my addiction, I started craving the rush of full scale dramatic enactments of songs, the buzz when the songs finishes and your left with a surge of energy and power.  I then moved onto the harder stuff, the more intense songs, I started getting into different kinds of music and exploring my taste for the more exotic music, this was a time in my life where I was out of control, and only really deep music could quench my thirst.  I started getting into rap and hip hop, I was an entry level offender but I found that I  could target my mimes towards imaginary people by this point, like the imaginary ‘other girls’ my next ex was seeing behind my back [p.s they weren’t imaginary I caught you dumbass!!]…

Once I had entered the gateway songs, it was downhill from then on, I found my niche, I found where I was most comfortable, I discovered pop songs.  Not my usual forray of musical choice (I’m more of an acoustic guitar and thoughtful lyrics kind of girl) but none the less it served a purpose, I started to crave a new song to mime to, I would listen to the music charts and when I had a chance to go to my friend’s house who had…SKY CABLE TELEVISION, where I could watch music videos, the latest ones and hear songs straight away I was totally hooked I would say this was when I hit rock bottom, this is where I can honestly say I truly became an addict to the drug of song…

Once at University I tried detoxing, I went through alot of experimentation and found music that allowed me the comfort not to mime.  I started clubbing alot more which meant that music became something I listened to whilst shouting and screaming and dancing so the focus was taken away from miming, I still mimed a bit at home on my own, but not as much as I did before.  I felt that I was starting to get a hold on my addiction and it was really getting good again, I started dating Superman [grrr,GRUMBLE,grr,grrrrr,GRRrrrhatehimGRrrr] and life was rosy, I left Uni and moved back home, travelled to Minnesota [GO GO VIKINGS LETS GO!] and on my return found a job and all was hunky dory.  Or so I thought.  My break up with Superman was cataclysmic, and I found myself back, deep in the arms of song miming, my only comfort from the wayward men of england.  I was back to my bedroom mirror and my hairbrush, the most basic of tools for the miming addict, the body language and cursed expressions once again reared their ugly heads and I was back in full swing…

Since then I have been on the road to recovery, it’s tough really tough but I’m glad I can share my secret with you, and only you, remember don’t tell anyone okay? I feel I’m back to health now and I only occasionally binge on 1 or 2 songs a month but when I catch myself out I make sure I follow the 12 steps……..over to my iPod and change the song.  I hope my admition to such tragiv addiction can help others out there to stand up and proudly declare that they too are a song mimer, and maybe one day there will be places for us all, where we can stand proud and song mime together so this addiction may become a way of life for all.  Until that day comes, I will keep strong and only limit myself to one weekend a month where I am allowed to explore my inner mimer just like Emma Stone…

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading 😛

L.J xx

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EASTENDERS – Come back to me old friend!

CAUTION FOR ANY READERS OUTSIDE OF THE UK WHO ARE BEHIND ON EASTENDERS, OR HAVE ONLY SEEN UP UNTIL ABOUT 1996, DO NOT READ UNLESS YOUR OKAY WITH SPOILERS!!

Ethel – You two talking dirty?

         Den – You bet, Ethel, we were just wondering
what you look like with no clothes on.

                Ethel – I tell you, there was once a
time I could turn heads.

                              Den – Yeah, like the Excorsist!

Eastenders, what is happening to you? Why are you torturing me so?

If you have ever watched a TV soap before you tend to be in one of 5 camps…

    1. EASTENDERS 4 LIFERS
    2. CORRIE AND EMMMMERDALEE CREW
    3. NEIGHBOURS&HOME&AWAY69ERS
    4. HOLLYOAKIEZ
    5. SIR-MIX-IT-ABOUT-ERS [ mix and match ]

I just so happen to be in camp 1           anddddddddd          4…

I have watched Eastenders since before Ethel died, I’ve watched Eastenders since BEFORE Mark left with HIV, I have watched eastenders since before Sonia was a wee nipper!  It’s tradition, 7.30pm [or 8pm on mondays and fridays] comes along, you gravitate to your nearest TV settle in, either with dinner or a cuppa and you all come together to revel in the over dramatic, far from reality but ‘JUST LIKE HER DOWN THE ROAD’ on screen antics.

The favourite parts for me have always been the crowd pullers, the special occasion Eastenders where it would be miraculously extended to an hour.  Like Christmas and Easter and mid-year when something gets set alight or dumped in the canal or sent to spain.  I love the relationships, Peggy and Frank, Frank and Pat, Ian and Laura, Hev and Minty, Den and Angie, Grant and Tiffany….you were invited to watch their every step, you cheered them on and hunted them down, you cried when they started and you cried when they ended, you watched them come and go and eventually get replaced with lesser couples and ‘greater’ storylines that wound up just being not as good as the old days.

I still watch Eastenders, I love it!  Misty Knight and I used to have competitions to see who could get home from the boy’s house at Uni quick enough to curl up in bed, call the other one and watch Eastenders sort of together!  We would battle with the lad’s to watch it at their house and would always end up watching it late at night on catch up, avidly discussing it the next day.  Even in my home now, if we go away for the night or are going to miss it, you better bet your bottom dollar it gets recorded.  Then there is the ultimate, you’ve missed it all week, you’ve avoided glancing at every magazine, reading forums and hearing spoilers, you’ve successfully made it to Sunday and there you have it… 2 and a half hours of Eastenders joy with no breaks, flowing like it was meant to, like a minature Eastenders movie.

WHAT’S THE POINT OF THIS POST?

I hear you all cry, well as an avid fan, [and someone who would love to be a writer for them or even better act on the show, I HAVE A DEGREE IN DRAMA AND I’M AWESOME IF EASTENDERS EXECs READ THIS!!!]  I have decided that I’m bored.  I’ve been reminiscing about my favourite couples and have decided upon a little countdown my friends!…

TOP 5 EASTENDERS COUPLES…

PEGGY AND FRANK

Now anythign to do with Peggy has always got my vote, and personally I think the character left in a really weak way!! Barbs is one of my fav actresses in British history and the show honestly has a void without her there.  The show, I feel lacks a matriarch, Peggy GONE Pat GONE Pauline GONE, Dot is really the only one left and she is the sort of character that lacks the brassy quality that the others did.  Peggy and Frank were a match made in heaven and were the perfect couple.

SONIA AND JAMIE

Oh my, you know I still remember that fateful christmas when Jamie died, I cried like every other 90’s girl who thought Jamie was ‘propa fit’ and thought sonia was doing for every NORMAL GIRL out there by getting with him!! They were the epitomy of 90’s love matching, they were truly a Take That generation couple and you knew that at their wedding they would have had ANGELS by Robbie Williams as their first dance song!! SNIFF SNIFF!!

STACEY AND BRADLEY

OHHHH NO I’M GONNA CRY!!!  *holding it together* Now, Poison Ivy and myself have always had this long standing joke, that we needed to find a ‘Bradley’ and stop going for ‘Max’.  The Stacey and Bradders saga was one that we followed with epic proportions.  Awww didn’t she look beautiful on her wedding day 😥 Stace and Bradders weren’t without their troubles and had Poison Ivy and myself not had a massively embarrasing crush on Max Branning we would have told Stacey right off for cheating on Bradders with HIS DAD!!! tut tut, but he forgave her and then baby Lily was conceived [but not by Bradders :(] and then poor Bradders died.   IT’S SOOOOO SAD!!!!!!! ok moving on quickly…

ROXIE AND SEAN

Okay, now some people may think this is a weird one but for me it has the most relevance!! Roxie right now is going through a traumatic time, and her character is losing alot of her spunky nature than worked so well with Sean.  The writers at Eastenders need to get their butts in gear, and bring Sean back…HE DIDN’T DIE, WE WATCHED HIM WALK OFF!!!, Bring him the F back pleaseeeeeeee, we need his naughty boy character back and lose this ‘east end FAKE mafia’ thing that Derek Branning is FAILING big time at!!  Bring back Sean and mayeb him and the moon brothers can start it all up again, how it USED to be when mini den was around and Eastenders wasn’t SOOOOO predictable!!

AND FINALLY DRUM ROLLLLLL PLEASEEEEEEE MY FAVOURITE COUPLE AWARD GOES TO…………….

 PHIL AND GRANT MITCHELL

So here we stand at the number one spot.  Grant and Phil, Phil and Grant, When will they be together again, why can’t they be together again, when will Grant stop playing bestfriendies with mexican gangs and get back to where he belongs!!!  Grant and Phil were amazing, THAT’S EAST END BAD BOYS!!! Maybe they should supply Jamie Foreman [the actor who plays Derek Branning] with a back catalogue of the brothers’ antics and show him what a real Albert Square Badman truly is instead of his poor ass attempt that is stagnant and highly irritating!

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT MY BEAUTIES! My Eastenders TOP 5 Couples Countdown a nice bit of fluff for the weekend 🙂

Happy Blogging, Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

How to Cope with Being Unemployed

So, currently I’m unemployed.  It’s a crap life but somebody’s
got to do it.I’ve been unemployed for 3 months, I’ve worked
since I was 15 and I spent 3 years doing a degree.  You’d think I’m
suitable for something, anything,I would clean toilets if it
meant that I was earning some decent cash that I honestly feel I
worked hard to deserve to earn.  When you go to University
everyone tells you it’s the right thing to do, you HAVE
to do it if you want to make your life better than the
average bear’s!  What a mistake it was to listen
to that advice!  Honestly, in my humble opinion, I think unless
your going to TRAIN for a profession, don’t bother, it’s not
worth your time or debt! Since losing my job, I’ve tried
every which way possible to get a Job.  I’ve tried recruitment
agencies, Online jobsites, unemployment agencies.  I’ve even
tried to get funding to start my own studio for my artwork but
no joy anywhere! I recently had to apply for JobSeeker’s
Allowance and to tell you all the truth…
It’s killing me, I hate it, I hate having to accept money that I
haven’t earnt plus along with the overwhelming feeling of
un-accomplishment I have to have the telephone meetings with
the Job Seeker Lady, the woman who bless her
heart find the most inane jobs available and tries to palm them off on me…

That’s right! ME! The woman who got a flaming DEGREE!
I’ve got 4 Alevels! I’ve got 12 GCSEs!!!
THEY ALL TOLD ME I’D GET A JOB INSTANTLY!!!!!!!

See what I mean kids? My advice? don’t stick in school,
get out as soon as is legal, get your backsides down to an
apprenticeship, or work to learn scheme this further education
stuff is boll***s if you ask me!! £12,000 and I’m still no
closer to a well paid salary job than the homeless
guy who lives by tescos!

So after I speak with Job Seeker Sue, I get a call from the
Recruitment Man Sam, his smarmy voice, and sales talk makes
me cringe, I’ve worked in sales related jobs all my life, these
people think I can’t recognise the sales banter?? REALLY?
Then comes the prep for the interview. what to say,
what NOT to say…and OH WAIT

“Definitely don’t mention that you worked in childcare…”

“Hi there, hello, yes, hi can you hear me, oh great,
*smarmy sales voice*
hiiiiiiiiiii
yes great to talk to youuuuuu,
yesssss I meann I’ve…

*here comes the sales banter crap
Recruitment Man Sam tells me to say*

yes.I.mean.I’ve.worked.in.sales.for.many.years.and.I’ve.
managed.a.team.of.up.to.6.working.on.the.analytical.
basis.that.I.prepare.all.their.time.managment.graphs.and.
yes.I.work.towards.target.based.memorandums.and.of.
course.I.can.work.microsoft.office.to.grade.A.standard.yesssss.
I’ve pioneered.flights.to.Gambia.and.yes.of.course.I’m.
fully.trained.in.zombie.attack.protocol.and.yes.I.have.the.statuatory.
2,000,000.years.worth.of.experience.that.is.vital.to.
know.how.to.sell.someone.paper.waste.management.and.
I.always.carry.my.iPhone.because.of.course.I.would.never.own
a.blackberry.and.I.would.love.to.discuss.this.role.further.
with.you.your.highness.who.I.need.to.give.me.a.job.because.I’m…

!DESPERATE!

Day 86 of unemployment, and I’m tired.

Yes I said it, I’m freaking tired, I do nothing all day,
but drink coffee, eat toast, watch Jeremy Kyle and imagine
up blog posts.  I make dozens of Paper Cranes all day not
only to stop me going insane from not smoking (because I
can’t afford it) but also because I’m bored! I sit and read
cookery books that I can’t cook from because I have no money
I watch QVC, and dream of owning the quick fire
chopper upper thingy because I have no life
I constantly chew my nails and stare at my BBm,
Whatsapp, Facebook AND Twitter because my friends
are all at work and I get excited over my afternoon milky coffee
because I pretend its a caramel latte from costa, minus the caramel!

I’m writing a novel…
Yeah I can do that, I’m creating an art installation too, and I’m
trying internet dating I’m desperately trying to keep the
creative creature inside me amused, so I don’t lose hope
that one day, someone will think I’m not half bad, and
trust that my CV isn’t the end of all things, and
SOMETIMES, you have to TRUST someone,
not just check theirfacebook to see what a mess
they were at the last festival they attended.

(I was a state!)

I FOUND A JOB

OH MY SHIT I FOUND A JOB

It’s perfect, it’s £26,000 A YEAR!!!!!
*slight orgasm sorry everyone*

I could do this job, I could ACE this job, I’m perfect for it,
give me the job, yess, yess, ahhhhhh, omg, omg, omg, omg
JOB ADVERTISMENT MEGA ORGASM…..

dammit, I need a qualification…

but I could do it……and I could do it really well.

[This is the part where I broke down, crying, snot,
it wasn’t pretty heaving with sorrow into my pillow,
with the inevitable *woe is me* speech, then getting the
angry face, you know that agression that creeps in,
the *f!ck no I’m better than this* agression, that insists
that you fight the system, stick it to the man,
bring down the house and generally sound like an epic fool…]

This is the genuine Cover Letter that I sent.
I omitted my real information in editing.
I sent this alongside my CV, to the dream job.

ScreenShot from the application form.

So please, anyone who reads my blog, anyone who likes it,
or follows me because of it take your hands and cross
those fingers for me, If your religious, pray for me,
If your a jedi, do some funky mind tricks..and if you
just so happen to be someone from RED GATE
please give me the job, I would work like a slave for you…

You’ve just got to give me a chance…

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x