How to Cope with Being Unemployed

So, currently I’m unemployed.  It’s a crap life but somebody’s
got to do it.I’ve been unemployed for 3 months, I’ve worked
since I was 15 and I spent 3 years doing a degree.  You’d think I’m
suitable for something, anything,I would clean toilets if it
meant that I was earning some decent cash that I honestly feel I
worked hard to deserve to earn.  When you go to University
everyone tells you it’s the right thing to do, you HAVE
to do it if you want to make your life better than the
average bear’s!  What a mistake it was to listen
to that advice!  Honestly, in my humble opinion, I think unless
your going to TRAIN for a profession, don’t bother, it’s not
worth your time or debt! Since losing my job, I’ve tried
every which way possible to get a Job.  I’ve tried recruitment
agencies, Online jobsites, unemployment agencies.  I’ve even
tried to get funding to start my own studio for my artwork but
no joy anywhere! I recently had to apply for JobSeeker’s
Allowance and to tell you all the truth…
It’s killing me, I hate it, I hate having to accept money that I
haven’t earnt plus along with the overwhelming feeling of
un-accomplishment I have to have the telephone meetings with
the Job Seeker Lady, the woman who bless her
heart find the most inane jobs available and tries to palm them off on me…

That’s right! ME! The woman who got a flaming DEGREE!
I’ve got 4 Alevels! I’ve got 12 GCSEs!!!
THEY ALL TOLD ME I’D GET A JOB INSTANTLY!!!!!!!

See what I mean kids? My advice? don’t stick in school,
get out as soon as is legal, get your backsides down to an
apprenticeship, or work to learn scheme this further education
stuff is boll***s if you ask me!! £12,000 and I’m still no
closer to a well paid salary job than the homeless
guy who lives by tescos!

So after I speak with Job Seeker Sue, I get a call from the
Recruitment Man Sam, his smarmy voice, and sales talk makes
me cringe, I’ve worked in sales related jobs all my life, these
people think I can’t recognise the sales banter?? REALLY?
Then comes the prep for the interview. what to say,
what NOT to say…and OH WAIT

“Definitely don’t mention that you worked in childcare…”

“Hi there, hello, yes, hi can you hear me, oh great,
*smarmy sales voice*
hiiiiiiiiiii
yes great to talk to youuuuuu,
yesssss I meann I’ve…

*here comes the sales banter crap
Recruitment Man Sam tells me to say*

yes.I.mean.I’ve.worked.in.sales.for.many.years.and.I’ve.
managed.a.team.of.up.to.6.working.on.the.analytical.
basis.that.I.prepare.all.their.time.managment.graphs.and.
yes.I.work.towards.target.based.memorandums.and.of.
course.I.can.work.microsoft.office.to.grade.A.standard.yesssss.
I’ve pioneered.flights.to.Gambia.and.yes.of.course.I’m.
fully.trained.in.zombie.attack.protocol.and.yes.I.have.the.statuatory.
2,000,000.years.worth.of.experience.that.is.vital.to.
know.how.to.sell.someone.paper.waste.management.and.
I.always.carry.my.iPhone.because.of.course.I.would.never.own
a.blackberry.and.I.would.love.to.discuss.this.role.further.
with.you.your.highness.who.I.need.to.give.me.a.job.because.I’m…

!DESPERATE!

Day 86 of unemployment, and I’m tired.

Yes I said it, I’m freaking tired, I do nothing all day,
but drink coffee, eat toast, watch Jeremy Kyle and imagine
up blog posts.  I make dozens of Paper Cranes all day not
only to stop me going insane from not smoking (because I
can’t afford it) but also because I’m bored! I sit and read
cookery books that I can’t cook from because I have no money
I watch QVC, and dream of owning the quick fire
chopper upper thingy because I have no life
I constantly chew my nails and stare at my BBm,
Whatsapp, Facebook AND Twitter because my friends
are all at work and I get excited over my afternoon milky coffee
because I pretend its a caramel latte from costa, minus the caramel!

I’m writing a novel…
Yeah I can do that, I’m creating an art installation too, and I’m
trying internet dating I’m desperately trying to keep the
creative creature inside me amused, so I don’t lose hope
that one day, someone will think I’m not half bad, and
trust that my CV isn’t the end of all things, and
SOMETIMES, you have to TRUST someone,
not just check theirfacebook to see what a mess
they were at the last festival they attended.

(I was a state!)

I FOUND A JOB

OH MY SHIT I FOUND A JOB

It’s perfect, it’s £26,000 A YEAR!!!!!
*slight orgasm sorry everyone*

I could do this job, I could ACE this job, I’m perfect for it,
give me the job, yess, yess, ahhhhhh, omg, omg, omg, omg
JOB ADVERTISMENT MEGA ORGASM…..

dammit, I need a qualification…

but I could do it……and I could do it really well.

[This is the part where I broke down, crying, snot,
it wasn’t pretty heaving with sorrow into my pillow,
with the inevitable *woe is me* speech, then getting the
angry face, you know that agression that creeps in,
the *f!ck no I’m better than this* agression, that insists
that you fight the system, stick it to the man,
bring down the house and generally sound like an epic fool…]

This is the genuine Cover Letter that I sent.
I omitted my real information in editing.
I sent this alongside my CV, to the dream job.

ScreenShot from the application form.

So please, anyone who reads my blog, anyone who likes it,
or follows me because of it take your hands and cross
those fingers for me, If your religious, pray for me,
If your a jedi, do some funky mind tricks..and if you
just so happen to be someone from RED GATE
please give me the job, I would work like a slave for you…

You’ve just got to give me a chance…

Cheers for Reading,

L.J x

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103 WAYS TO GIVE UP SMOKING

A Thousand
Paper Cranes…

[BARE WITH THIS POST, I HAVE ADDED THIS POST-POSTING TO THIS POST…HAHA SORRY, ERMM YES, I BEGAN WRITING THIS 2 WEEKS AGO, SINCE WRITING THIS I HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE CIGARETTE, AND SINCE STARTING THE PAPER CRANES JUST OVER A WEEK AGO I HAVE FOLDED 103 CRANES, JUST THINKING I WOULD HAVE SMOKED THAT MANY CIGARETTES IF NOT MORE, IN 7.5 DAYS, SCARY STUFF…GOOD LUCK TO ALL THOSE QUITTING SMOKING THIS YEAR, I’M REALLY GOING TO STICK TO IT THIS TIME]

1,000 Paper Cranes  (千羽鶴 Senbazuru?)
“Thousand Origami Cranes is a group of one thousand origami paper cranes held together by strings. An ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane, such as long life or recovery from illness or injury.”

[http://tinyurl.com/7tjdxxo]

The idea intrigues me, it made me almost cry when I watched it on Heroes, noteably one of my favourite series’ of the past few years.

 Watching Charlie’s expression, when the camera zoomed out and revealed the epic amount of cranes delicately hanging by clear threads around their heads was in my opinion, utterly beautiful and actually quite stylish! Ha Ha…

Now, today has frankly been an awful day, I woke up in that highly irritating situation where your neck has been sleeping comfortably all evening, and then, suddenly, the second you wake up…AH%&$$! F*&£”~#!! …your neck trips into spasm and you can’t move for the rest of the day! anddddd I decided to start item number 20 on my Bucket List, I figured that although I have ticked a few things off the list, I’m still no closer to actually COMPLETING the list.

Item Number 20. ATTEMPT TO GIVE UP SMOKING…

Now your all probably wondering what the hell item 20 and paper cranes have in common, well it all started like this…..

So being unemployed, with no car, no money, not alot of people around during the day and a family who all smoke! (that’s right kids, Batman, The Incredibles, Poison Ivy, Misty Knight, Iron Man, WONDER WOMAN!! allllllllll of them SMOKE!)  Now obviously Poison Ivy is up lá duff so has stopped smoking, but for me it was so easy to just light up a fag, puff puff puffy away all day, I would say I had a steady 20 a day deal going on, menthol rollies were to me like a warm glass of red wine of an evening, just something i enjoyed!  and then the fateful day arrived….

Poison Ivy had warned me something like this may happen, and when Wonder Woman tried to give up last month, she said the same thing, there comes a point where something just snaps in your mind, and smoking just isn’t nice anymore!
Now for all those people out there screaming,’SMOKING’S DISGUSTING’ ‘IT’S GOING TO KILL YOU’ ‘YOU SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY’ I really don’t care, unless you’re a smoker you have no concept of how good it feels to have a fresh cup of coffee and a sneaky ciggie, or rolling a menthol and relaxing just puffing away.  IF YOU ARE NOT A SMOKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THAT FEELS!!! and after sex……. WOWWWWWW better than the sex before it haha.

But anyway I digress, so I was sat in the study with my tobacco rolling a cig, and it happened, something choked a little in my throat, i licked the rizla and the smell of the dry tobacco made me feel a bit icky, and as I sparked the cigarette, I was convincing myself that I wanted to become a non-smoker! (I think it helped that my pouch was now empty and I had no way of getting anymore haha!!)

Day one – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day two – Fine, 0 cigarettes
Day three – Ok, 0 Cigarettes
Day four – Average, 0 cigarettes, stood behind woman at cashpoint inhaling her scarf it smelt so good
Day five – SH*T, SH*TE, CR*P, AWFUL, SHODDY, EURGH, CRAPOLAAA! 0 cigarettes…grrrr
Day six – Pissed off, angry, want to murder someone for £3.50 to get tobacco… 0 cigarettes
Day seven – Today…woke up, feeling refreshed, breathing (asthma) noticeably clearer, cravings minimum, 0 cigarettes…

Now….how did I do it?

PAPER CRANES!!!

Honestly, for the past week I have ranged through every emotion possible, this first week of not smoking has almost killed me, and I think its mainly due to the fact that I have nothing to cure the boredom, smoking became a habit because I was bored.  It gave me something to do with my hands, the ceremony of rolling the cigarette, lighting it, inhaling and enjoying the minty smoke, sitting back and taking it in…..it takes time, its a process, its also really difficult to describe!  So I had to find something to keep my hands busy, and remembering the episode of Heroes, whilst thinking about my meditation experiences of late, I thought, I bet I can make 1,000 paper cranes….that will stop me from smoking.

Now, everytime I want a cigarette I fold a piece of paper, and it can be anything, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, comic books, junk mail…anything that I can find just to keep my mind off smoking.  and I can say now it’s working, being around smoke makes me feel ill, the smell makes me want to vom on their faces, and the change in myself is remarkable, it’s early days yet but here’s to crossing off another Bucket List item and to continuing on my journey.

Made with 1978 Superman Comic Book

Made From: Pandora Jewellery Catalogue Page.

I found an Irregular choice Shoebox and have given them a home already

Here’s to the SuperCranes!!   May they guide me through this rough patch and grant me a blooming good wish when I’ve made 10,000 of the buggars!

Cheers for reading 🙂

L.J x

I Think I’m Going To Die…

Luckily, no visible Bruises or Scratches just a sore cheek! 😦

i like my drinks dirrrrty!

Make your own version at home, you can add lime for a typical amaretto sour, or add a shot of sour cherry schnapps for a cheeky version that tastes just like bakewell tart!! I love Amaretto with Dr. Pepper too! enjoy folks! x